Things I am proud of

So there have been a few things that have made me feel good about myself lately above and beyond the actual weight loss, and I would like to touch on them here.

Okay, so the first thing is the fact that I am USING ALL MY FOOD!  I can safely tell you that I have never in my life bought and entire bag of grapes/snap peas/apple slices/etc and eaten the entire thing.  I have the best of intentions while shopping and often grab lots of healthy options…that then sit and rot in my fridge basically untouched, while I eat all kinds of other bad options. 
You guys!  I am actually finishing healthy food in my fridge and not throwing it out!  This is a pretty big deal for me as the throwing out of healthy produce was a weekly event in my house.  I have to say I’m really proud of this.  I have actually been able to throw away empty bags and then put that item on the shopping list to get more!

They say it takes 21 days to make or break a habit.  I am actually CRAVING food that is good for me.  I love how I feel lately!  Even though I am sleep deprived due to the show and am totally PMSing right now, I am in a much better place mentally than I have been in years.  I can only attribute that to the fact that I am eating more whole foods and less crap.  That is HUGE.   If I actually get my ass in gear and start exercising, I will be invincible! 

Speaking of that….today I actually thought about how much I’d love to start running again once the show goes up.  I obviously know that I wouldn’t start out running again, but the thought of getting outside and walking after work made me insanely happy.  Starting the Couch 2 5K again is my goal.  The thought popped into my head today and it made me feel so good.  The show goes up on the 10th and after that I get my weekdays other than Thursday and Friday back and I honestly can’t wait to get out on the track again.  Fresh air and that amazing feeling you get after a work out?  Sign me up!

I am taking responsibility for my food prep when I get home, no matter how late, before relaxing.  It might lead to me staying up a bit later, but at least my food is done when I go to bed and I don’t sit like a Zombie at midnight wondering where my time went and still have nothing to bring to work for snacks the next day.  The ultimate goal is of course to meal prep on the weekends for the rest of the week, but that ship has sailed until this Saturday as that is the first day I will have off of rehearsal and work.  So I’m still proud that even if it takes me a half an hour a night, I avoid playing on my computer or watching TV to wind down until I get my food prepped for the next day.

I’m finding ways to fix things.  Tonight I had a late play rehearsal and my husband had a late band rehearsal.  He got home about an hour before I did and felt bad that he didn’t have anything for my dinner so he made up a box of Kraft Mac N Cheese.  He heaped it into a giant bowl and left it for me.  I LOVE the blue box more than most foods.  I know it is so nasty for you.  It’s florescent orange cheese for crying out loud, but it is so yummy!  And bless his heart for cooking for me even when he was tired and didn’t want to.  But as soon as I got home I began to think of ways to fix this meal.  First it needed portion control, than it needed protein and a veggie.  Mind you, this was all after eleven o clock because it took me a half an hour to prep my oats and snacks for tomorrow.  There wasn’t much in the fridge.  Finally I settled on a boca burger that was frost bitten but still good and a small package of “sauced” vegetables from the freezer.  So I scraped the “leftovers” of my small portion of mac N Cheese into a container and stuck it into the fridge and nuked the veggie and boca patty.  Boom.  Just as satisfying with less carb hangover and calories.

I am sure there are more but it is late and I need to go to bed if I want to maintain any sort of good mind frame.  I will continue a list and write about more later.


2 Blogs in on day???

Okay, I know that I already blogged today but dude, I have to brag for a second.

Tonight was supposed to be our sound tech rehearsal for Godspell.  What that means is that not only was it our first time together with the live band, but we were also supposed to all get our mics and test against the soundboard with our sound tech guy.  Well, it turns out our sound tech guy bailed on us and our replacement couldn’t make it tonight.  Also, this was the first time for the band playing together all as one unit so it took them two hours after we got there to get their stuff together.  We just speed ready lines in the front lobby.
The reason I am telling you all this is because techs are typically late night rehearsals, the director had promised everyone pizza before the whole thing fell apart, and she held true to her promise.
So while she brought in six pizza pies from Papa Johns with a vat of garlic sauce packages, it smelled so crazy good.  I told myself that I would eat my little half pita sandwich that I brought and my snap peas and if I was still hungry I would eat one slice.
Needless to say I was not still hungry, so I didn’t have a piece.  While my cast mates ate with great vigor and went back for seconds, I instead posted a pic on Instagram about how I was being good and was rewarded with all kinds of encouragement.  That helped a LOT! 
I know it’s not much, but it was a huge step for me.  Normally I would have dived head first into that pizza and bathed in it.  I’m really proud of myself that I have managed to get my willpower back and it is sticking. 
Of course my period is coming up rather quickly so that will be a huge test, but I think I’ll do okay.  As long as I am prepared.
Tonight I got home around nine and the first thing I did before relaxing was make my breakfast, lunch and snacks for tomorrow.  That is what I have to do each night no matter how late I get home, otherwise I am setting myself up for failure. 
I feel like I’m finally getting on the right path.  I even entertained the thought that as soon as the show goes up, I might start my running training again.  I haven’t run in at least three years, but I know that when I did I felt amazing and eventually looked great too.  The timing seems right.  It will be after daylight savings so it will still be light out after work.
I really love the idea of it, we’ll see if I put it into practice.
Anyhoo, that was my brag for the night.  I feel like I earned it.  🙂

Life and Weight updates.

So I know I said I would update on the flood situation, but there was really nothing to update.  Around three that afternoon my husband arrived home from work early so we could clear out his musical equipment from the basement.  We had moved a lot of his guitars last month when we were at risk for flooding but since the river was due to get higher that night, we also moved out his PA system and a bunch of amps.  In other words, the heavy stuff.
Around four we got a message on our phones that we were under a mandatory evacuation. 
We sat around and weighed the odds.  I had been checking the hydrograph all day and so we did some math and decided we were going to stick it out.  We had full view of the river and knew that if it got to a certain point we would just grab the pooch and hit the road to my husbands parents house a few towns over.
We stayed up and watched and waited.  I should note that my anxiety level is normally high on a good day, but this day it was through the roof.  The dog could sense it and she was extra nervous and needy as well.  My poor husband.
We finally decided to get some sleep and set an alarm for midnight which was when the river was predicted to crest.
Long story short, the river came VERY CLOSE to overflowing the bank.  My neighbor that lives across the street on the river side, had a couple of inches flowing over his concrete porch, but then it started to recede. 
So I wasn’t happy with all the drama it caused, but in a way I’m kind of happy that we now have a benchmark to know how high the river has to get with the hydrograph to know when we will start flooding.  It kind of takes the guess work out of it for next time. 

Anyhoo, that was that.  Onto the weight stuff.  As of yesterday I am officially down 7 Lbs in a month.  This makes me very happy.  Not just for the loss, but because I am finally starting to feel the motivation again.  For two years or maybe even longer, I was floundering.  Just gaining and gaining and not caring because I had zero desire to do anything about it.  That led to more depression which led to more not caring and eating, and it was just a vicious cycle that I couldn’t break.
I’m really getting into eating more whole foods and less processed crap, and I’m even enjoying it.  Who knew?  The key, of course, is being prepared.  I had gotten really good last week and prepping all my stuff for the week in advance.  The next two weeks are going to be harder as we are going to be going into hardcore rehearsals before the show goes up.  That means more late nights and less time to prepare.  So having said that I am into eating less processed crap, I do foresee a lot of frozen dinners in my future when I get home at ten at night or later.
Still though, I am going to try my best to stick with my daily routine of overnight oats or yogurt for breakfast, a pita sandwich for lunch and fruits and veggies for my snacks.  My new fave combo btw is red seedless grapes and colby jack cheese bites.  OMG, so yummy!
So that is about it, just a quick update.  I’m just glad to feel the motivation and willpower again.  It’s been a long time, and I’m glad to welcome them back into my life. 
Remind me of this next week when I am sleep deprived and just want to eat that doughnut.  😉


Updates and some flooding.

Okay, so my weigh in on Friday was a big fat zero weight loss, but no gain so I still consider that a win.  I’m still down five pounds in three weeks and that is totally acceptable to me.  I need to remember that this isn’t a race.  Every single time I have lost a significant amount of weight, I always seem to remember it as just falling off in no time.  Then I go back and look at my journals and calendars and realize that was never the case.  It has been and will always be a slow and painful journey.  I always have those “wanting to give up” moments because I have not become instantly skinny.
In other news, we will probably evacuate our house tonight and head for higher ground as all the recent rainfall has put our house at serious risk of flooding.  So much for the drought in California.  Hey, don’t get me wrong.  After last years fires, I’m more than happy to have rain and lots of it…just maybe not all at once?
Our house sits right on the river and most times of year it is a beautiful thing.  Nothing better than sipping a cup of coffee out on the back deck with the sun shining, birds chirping and a babbling brook in the background.  Seriously, it’s a little slice of heaven on earth.  Until we get too much rain, like we have this winter.
In January, we had a lot of rain and were very near evacuations.  In fact the sheriff knocked on our door at two in the morning to let us know there were voluntary evacuations happening at that time.  We were probably within a foot of the river flooding. 
Right now we are probably two or three feet away, but the bad news is that this time there isn’t really going to be any break in the rain until tomorrow night so more than likely, the water is going to continue to rise.  🙁
The husband is currently at work and I’ve got a bag packed for us and he dog, ready to go at a moments notice.  I’m not especially worried about LOSING the house, I’m guessing more than anything our basement would get the brunt of the flooding, but we live on a one way dead end street and we are at the very end of it.  Therefore, we need to keep ahead of the water as far as washing out the road, or we are stuck here for who knows how long with no access to get to work or anywhere.  That is where the sense of urgency lies.
Thankfully, we have a place to go.  My husbands parents live a couple of towns over so we won’t have to worry about having to take the dog to a hotel or anything.  It’s important to see the good things in all this chaos.
So more than likely, I will be away from my laptop for a few days.  I will have my phone and my Ipad so I will try to update as anything happens.  Of course, I just went shopping so I have a fridge full of good for me foods that might go to waste in the meantime.  Not sure how the weight in is going to be this week after a few days of eating at my in laws.  They may not have many good choices in their fridge.
That’s about it from here.  I’m going to go load up the car.
Stay dry and make better choices!  I’m going to try to.  🙂

What I didn't eat on Valentine's Day.

So today was a day like any other day.  I got up later than I wanted to and had to rush around getting ready for work.
I got to work just in time and fixed myself my coffee and my water and dove right in.
A couple hours later a co-worker arrives with an Enchilada Casserole.  An hour after that my office manager comes in with donuts, cupcakes and cookies.  Also, another co-worker came around and delivered little V-Day bags of candy on everyone’s desks. 
I heard that the casserole was bomb, the cupcakes yummy, the donuts divine and the cookies okay.  I wouldn’t know, because I DIDN’T EAT ANY OF THEM!
I was quite proud of myself.  I had my greek yogurt and tablespoon of granola along with a banana for breakfast.  For lunch I had my meal that I had prepped this weekend that consisted of a brown rice and lentil mixture, a piece of fish, a half a yam and a mix of non starchy veggies.  It filled me up and I didn’t feel tempted.
I got home and found my husband was cooking up some ramen type dish with chicken and cauliflower.  Now, the chicken and cauli I can get behind, but the noodles will have to go. 
I love my husband to the moon and back, but he doesn’t share my need to be so rigid on the diet.  He is more of a wing it and what he creates in the kitchen is a pinch of this and a handful of that…which is great.  I’m lucky that he even cooks at all, but for dieting and counting calories, it’s not so good.
So, the noodles are going to be replaced with a little bit of brown rice and the rest will remain the same. 
What all this points to, is that after a year or more of having zero desire or motivation to diet, I seem to finally have it back!  I contribute this to launching the Youtube channel and this blog to hold myself accountable.  I can’t even tell you the last time I have cared about what I put into my mouth.  I mean, I CARED, but I still ate it anyway.  There was never any hesitation. 
“I shouldn’t eat th-” NOM NOM NOM!
It feels so good to finally have some power back over my own body. 
It’s going to be a long road and I am aware of that.  So many times today I wondered why I couldn’t just have one bite of one of those delicious morsels in the break room, but I didn’t do it! 
It’s the small victories that pave the way to the big ones.
Next time I plan on scolding myself on the fact that I seem to think that weekend calories just don’t count…

Small Steps

So I weighed in on Friday and that weight was a whopping 272.4.  That is so scarily close to 300 that I’m floored and frightened.  However, I feel that I’m in a good place right now and making good decisions.
The husband is on board for the diet.  I just ordered some meal prep containers from Amazon.  I need to buckle down and learn my choreography for the play I’m in so that means automatic cardio every night after work that I’m not at rehearsal.  I’ve dusted off my fitbit that I bought but never used because it was just too depressing.  Most of all, I just finally feel that spark of motivation again.  I’ve gone so long without it that I was beginning to think I would never get it back.
Hubs and I just booked a quick weekend trip to Vegas in May for our birthdays last night.  That gives me a bit of a goal.  I’d like to lose about 20 pounds before the trip.  I think that is fair.  20 pounds in 3 months is fairly doable if I step up my game right?
Anyhoo, it makes me excited to be excited, if that makes any sense at all.  🙂
We had rehearsal tonight and I stopped at the gas station for a large bottle of water as I usually do.  I also usually grab some sort of bad snack to have at said rehearsal.  Some sort of muffin or pastry because this “gas station” gets really good baked goods delivered daily. 
Today I looked for something to eat, but couldn’t justify the calories at all knowing I had packed a banana, a nectarine and a small page of rice cake chips in my backpack before I left the house.  So I just bought the water and left.  I had the nectarine and the banana at the rehearsal but didn’t have time to eat the chips.
I call that a small victory, wouldn’t you?
My fitbit is charging as I type.  My husband made yummy veggie and chicken omelets for dinner and I’m looking forward to starting a new way of life.  🙂


Youtube account

So I created a youtube account for my verbal diarrhea.  🙂

If you want to check it out, here is the link.

Many years ago, I used to have a cooking show on youtube called Lo Carb Cafe.  I had forgotten how much I enjoyed hosting that, but with not being able to eat low carb anymore, there wasn’t much reason to keep up with the show.
My current channel will just be me chronicling my new weight loss journey and my hopeful progress.

I went grocery shopping today and got all kinds of veggies and good starches.  Tonight I ordered some meal prep containers from amazon and I’m looking forward to prepping a bunch of meals and not having to worry about what my husband is making for dinner while I’m at rehearsal.  🙂

Most of all, I’m just really excited for losing weight again.  It’s been a long time since I felt any motivation, so this is huge.


Fresh Starts

Stale.  Stuck.  Scared.  Apathetic . Failure.

These are all the things I have been feeling lately about my lack of weight loss  and fitness.  And life in general for that matter, which of course is a direct result of feeling like a big fat blob that has zero motivation or willpower to do anything about it.

Fresh starts are good.  I think that is what I need.   I hope that is what I need.

I have always had a weight problem.  Ever since I emerged from my mothers womb.  Mom loves to tell the story of how I could barely open my eyes because my cheeks were so full and fat.  Also, how she and my father were afraid I wouldn’t be able to walk due to the excessive amount of leg chub I had.  (I still have that!) To be fair, the odds were stacked against me in the genetics department as both my parents and most our extended family also had weight issues.

I have yo yo dieted with the best of them.   You name the diet or fad and I have tried it, even if only for a day or so.

Spending every single second of every day freaking out about everything I put in my mouth.  I also exercised obsessively.  Cardio three times a day while following a 1200 calorie diet worked really well but made me a little nutty in my head.  Also, I was unemployed and had time to do all that exercise as well as counting and recounting calories all day long.

Gallstones worked really well for me as well.  I couldn’t eat an ounce of fat or I would have a gallbladder attack.  Anyone who has ever had one of those, knows how painful it is and why you would avoid it at all costs.  I lived on cereal and fat free milk for two months until I could get my surgery and lost about 25 pounds.  Of course once that little sucker was out of my body, I made up for those two months by eating double of what I would have eaten sans stones, and gained it all back.

Low carb works.  I know that because I did it for two years straight and lost 80 pounds.  That is how I lost the bulk of my weight after topping off at a size 30/5x.  It really does.  However, once I went off for one little cheat, I could NOT reign it back in.  I realize that is my problem and not anyone elses.   I have tried it again and again over the years and it still works, however due to a serious case of diverticulitis I can not longer continue on that way of eating.  In order to make the diet have a good variety for me I need to use almond flour/nuts and a heavy hand of veggies that my stomach can no longer tolerate…possibly because of:

Bulimia with a side of laxative addiction…now that one really worked!  Got me down to a size 8.  It also got me $25,000 worth of ongoing dental work, a f*cked up esophagus and stomach problems that still plague me twenty years later.

In the end it turns out that a healthy balance of working out and eating healthy can really do the trick.  Who knew?

My last venture into the weight loss lifestyle had me down into a weight where I was comfortable.  Not thin by any stretch of the imagination, but I was happy with how I felt and looked in a size 18.  That was when I was training for my 1st ½ marathon.  I felt good and I looked good, at least in my opinion.  I was terrified of the marathon so I trained really hard.  I lost a bunch of weight and my mood was super improved by the running and exercise.  I didn’t even have to diet that strictly, just make better choices.  However, once I ran the marathon and realized that I could really just walk the whole thing the next time and not kill myself with training…well you can guess what happened.  I did four half marathons in five years, the last one I didn’t even bother to train for and nearly wrecked myself.  The fun of running marathons had lost its shine and I basically haven’t really worked out since.

I have been eating whatever I want and not working out for quite some time now.  I feel like a sloth.  I have gained a lot of weight, yet have zero motivation to do anything about it.

My aha moment started at our company Christmas party this year.  I had been fairly successful at avoiding the camera for a while now.  Aside from vacation shots where I would pose and or hide behind someone to camouflage myself.   Well, during the White Elephant gift exchange my friend grabbed my phone and snapped some shots of me opening my present.  When I uploaded all the pics from the party I was horrified with what I saw.   I am dangerously close to getting back up to my highest weight.  The weight where my husband had to tie my shoes for me.  The weight where I was on the cusp of not being able to take care of myself hygienically.  This was frightening.

Moreover, I need to address the depression that has gripped me in the past year  and hasn’t let me go.  It might even have extended longer than a year, but who can tell anymore.  I am unhappy.  I am fat.  I am showing all the classic symptoms of sleep apnea.  I am out of breath after walking a block and my back is hurting ALL THE TIME from supporting the girth of my belly.
I no longer want to do the things that used to bring me joy.  Theater, exercise, hanging out with friends…that last one is really key.  I don’t want people to see how huge I have gotten.  You can call it stupid, but it’s true.  I don’t want to see anyone I haven’t seen in a year or so because they are going to see how far I’ve let myself spiral out of control.  I’m just not happy with myself.

So here I am, putting myself out there.  I don’t have much of a plan.  I only have a glimmer of hope that I might be able to drag myself up from this mire of self hate and basically self mutilation.  I want to feel free again.

Here goes.