Yup, here I am again.
If you are reading this entry, I would like to explain the archives of this blog have been pieced together via the Wayback Machine that can show you old archived web pages. Because I have been a bit of a impatient dumbass in the past, I had lost most of my entries when I switched over to a new domain host. Yeah.
It’s nothing that I can change at this point, but I spent a lot of time last week copying the old entries over from the wayback machine and so some of the links and images probably no longer work. I just wanted to explain why.
I have shifted back and forth on different blogs over the years, but I think it’s time to come back to this one. This is a very diet neutral name and it’s one of the original ones if not THE original one that I started all those years ago. I just loved the name and so here I am.
I have resurrected my old YouTube channel by the same name as well, because…might as well keep it all in the same vein right? Back when I started that channel it was primarily for low carb recipes. It was a little show I called Low Carb Cafe and I really enjoyed and miss making those videos. So they will be back, but I’m also expanding the channel to vlogs and weigh ins and such so that it’s all my content in one channel. Much like this blog.
So things have been going meh for me as far as the weight loss. I’ve gone in ebbs and flows like always. I lost about 40 lbs with low calorie and portion control only to gain most of it back when I fell of the wagon.
In December of 2017 my husband had a heart attack and his dr recommended keto so we have been trying that ever since. And when I say that we have been trying that, I mean that we were really good for a few months, he dropped 30 lbs and I 15, but then I just couldn’t stick with it. I kept cheating at work and not telling my husband and pretending I was eating fine at home. We both fell out of the exercise routine and in turn fell stagnant on the weight loss front.
My anxiety and depression have played a really big part in me not wanting to do anything – also I discovered that now when I lower my carbs I get heart palpitations when I don’t supplement with sea salt because I get super low on electrolytes. It makes me not want to do the diet because I just don’t want to deal with that.
The latest set back is that my husbands mother has been in a health crisis. Her kidneys are failing and she has lots f blockages in her heart, but she only has a 10% chance of surviving surgery. So basically she was sent home a month ago to die.
In pulling her off of 15 of her medications however, they didn’t anticipate that she would bounce back. She went from being bed bound to going to Target the other day.
What this has meant for us, is that we have been heading over there most nights after work and cooking food for her…whatever she wants since they took her off dietary restriction. Since we then get home with only an hour or so to relax before bed, that leaves us at the mercy of eating whatever she wanted and also bringing those leftovers to work for lunches the next day.
Let’s just say it hasn’t been Keto, or even moderately healthy.
We made a decision this weekend that we were just going to have to suck it up and either make her meals more towards our diet, or we would have to cook a bunch on our “nights off” to supplement the meals that we won’t be eating at her house.
I’ve just been to the grocery store to stock up, and we’ll see what I can cook up tonight to get us ready for the next few days.
So that is what is going on with me. I weighed in yesterday at 257 lbs. That is up about 20 pounds from my recent lowest. I’m hoping to reign all this in and start exercising again too. Thus dusting off the YouTube channel and this blog.
Wish me luck!!!!
Since Monday I have been working out on my own. In my last entry I detailed how I tried to find a gym around here that met my needs but failed miserably. However, what I didn’t mention in that entry was my social anxiety and what a high part that played in my decision to not join a gym.
Anyhoo, Monday I did a workout DVD.
Last night I wasn’t called to rehearsal until 7:30 and that isn’t enough time to go home, so I put on my work out clothes after work threw everything in the car and headed around the business park where I worked for a walk/jog. This is the same area that I did a lot of my training on lunch breaks for the half marathons back when I had a full hour lunch break. It wasn’t nearly as hard as I thought it was going to be. Before I left work, I put some wet paper towels into a ziplock bag and then used them when I got to rehearsal to take a bit of a whore’s bath in the bathroom while changing back into my street clothes.
Tonight I did the same workout DVD that I had done on Monday.
So my thoughts:
I haven’t felt as clear headed and generally happy as I have the last three days in a VERY long time.
If you have followed my youtube channel, you are aware that I had been suffering from a pretty severe depression for the last few months. It comes and goes in it’s severity, but it has never really gone away. My anxiety has also been very high. Having panic attacks for little or no reason. It was really starting to freak me out.
The last three days I have been in the BEST mood and little to no anxiety.
Having said all of that. None of this is surprising to me. I am not a stranger to exercise and how wonderful it makes me feel. My problem has been that I couldn’t seem to get the motivation to get back into working out, at all in the last couple of years. Getting off my couch has seemed like the hardest thing to do. I have grown complacent to my sedentary lifestyle and I was comfortable there. I was even willing to let myself fall into the depths of a deep depression, knowing that fitness would help me out of it.
I can’t explain why it seemed like such a hard thing for me to do. It just did. I just thought it would hurt so much and I would fail. And in all honestly, my anxiety had gotten so high that in the back of my mind, I probably feared that I would drop of a heart attack at the slightest bit of cardio activity.
Guys, ever since Monday I have been CRAVING my workout. No joke! I couldn’t wait to get home tonight to do my DVD. Last night I was lamenting that I wouldn’t be able to do a workout at home because of rehearsal, and when I made the decision to walk/jog my old stomping grounds I was soooo happy with myself.
It should also be noted that I am pretty sleep deprived right now because of rehearsals. I am normally in bed by nine thirty on weeknights and by seven or eight on a Sunday to prepare for the week. Sunday and Tuesday I wasn’t in bed until 11 or midnight both nights because of rehearsal. While this might not seem like much to a youngster that doesn’t require much sleep, this is a HUGE lack of sleep to me. One that typically leaves me grouchy and emotional for the rest of the week.
I have felt fantastic all work week! I might have drank more coffee than normal,(which by the way, normally makes my anxiety go through the roof – not this time!) but I have felt pretty darn amazing.
I hope I am not jinxing myself by posting this, but I don’t think so. I’m really happy and excited to me working out again and I love this feeling!!!
So I’m effectively starting over as of Tuesday so I’m calling this my first weigh in. Deal with it.
Beginning weight: 261 lbs
Today’s Weight: 256.4 lbs
Result: -4.6 lbs
Needless to say that I am really happy with this. I know that every time I “start” a diet I lose quite a bit the first week, and I know that it is water weight, but I actually *feel* thinner this time. I feel like I’m heading in the right direction, instead of just going through the motions.
I think the turning point right now is exercise. I have worked out every day since the restart. Nothing hardcore at all, just light aerobic activity. On Tuesday and Thursday I did the “Burn” portion of the Learn and Burn Turbo Jam DVD, (more on TJ later) and on Wednesday and Friday (today) I did a simple brisk 20 minute walk on my lunch break. It’s not like I’m burning a thousand calories, but Dr Atkins did state in his book that Exercise is Non-Negotiable! I think every little step I take helps, and that is also something that has been missing from my diet every time I have restarted.
So now more about Turbo Jam. This was a work out craze that came out quite a few years back led by Chalene Johnson. It’s a lot like kickboxing I guess. I bought the DVD’s years ago and I remember really enjoying them whenever I would use them. They are intense but they FUN! Plus they have this awesome timer thing that slides across the screen that really helps me to keep going when I see there are only a few minutes left of each “session”.
I have no idea what became of the old DVD’s but I recently sought them out online and was able to obtain another set. I’m happy to report they are just as fun as ever, and this time I plan on getting past the “Learn and Burn” and “20 Minute” workout to actually utilizing the more intense and longer workouts.
I did learn how completely out of shape I am after just one session of the Learn and Burn. I felt muscles I didn’t know existed!
Anyhoo, that is my progress for now. I’ll update more later.
– 1.4 for the week
Okay, so admittedly this hasn’t been the GIANT weight loss I usually get when I first start low carb. But it is a LOSS so I am just going to smile and say YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So I am proud to say I stayed on induction all week with the exception of adding nuts on the weekends. I really did expect a bigger loss since I was getting off my period, but beggars can’t be choosers.
The big addition that we got to help our diet this weekend is we got our foodsaver back from my in laws. You know, that little gadget that vacuum seals bags so you can freeze them and have them last longer without freezer burn?
I’m pretty excited to make up some bulk recipes this weekend and freeze them for the weeks ahead. As I always say, the trick to this diet is being prepared.
The other thing that I need to start doing is exercising. The book states plainly that exercise on this way of eating is NON NEGOTIABLE! For whatever reason when I was in my 20’s and did the diet for two years I got away with it. Must have had a high metabolism at that time I guess. Not so much now.
Having said that, next week I’ll be strapping on my sneakers for the first time since the 1/2 marathon in November. Yeah, that’s four months that I’ve been a slug. At first I used the excuse that my toenail had fallen off as a result of my poor planning for the marathon, but it’s already mostly grown back and it hasn’t hurt in about three months so yeah…no more excuses.
I’m not going to be doing any hardcore training by any stretch of the imagination, but I am going to get my butt moving. A mere 20 minute brisk walk on my lunch break should get me back in the game. Physically AND mentally.
While I have been feeling pretty good lately, I’m still lacking something to feel like my old self. I’ve been using essential oils at work and home to perk me up or calm me down and those work pretty well, there is an underlying feeling of restlessness that I can’t quite put my finger on. It occurred to me the other day that when I felt this in the past, going for a run helped out immensely. One run would put that feeling at bay for a couple of days at least. I need to get that mental stability back in my life in a big way. I’m not feeling all together bad or anything, I just feel a bit… off.
I’m pretty sure working out is the key to getting everything back together again.
There were two things that I signed up for this year to keep me motivated and moving. The first was the Las Vegas 1/2 Marathon, and the second was the Santa Cruz Wharf to Wharf. Last year I didn’t sign up for any runs, and therefore, did no training and gained 30 pounds.
Well, it did nothing for the first half of the year to motivate me but as the race loomed closer, I realized I needed to suck it up and start something. The last time I did the Wharf to Wharf was two years ago, and I was so ill prepared that by the time I finished I was in tears and just broken. The same applies for the last 1/2 marathon as well. So three weeks ago I started training again. What I discovered is that the 30-pound gain and lack of general exercise for the last year and a half have made an impact in my timing. I can no longer punch out a two miler in a half an hour on my lunch break. In fact, I can barely get above a fast power walk at all anymore. That shouldn’t shock me. I’m not dumb enough to think that I could just pick up where I left off after all the time off, but it was a blow to my ego just the same.
So while I have kept at my training the last three weeks I was kind of discouraged. Especially since this last week was pretty painful for me in my lower back on my walks. I was pretty sure I was going to fail at this run miserably. I was picturing me stopping at the mile 4.5 mark where my husband was playing with his drummer friend for the race. Or worse, just giving up before that and sitting down, waiting for the bus to come get me in the end.
The back pain was specific to the left side of my lower back. That usually means my pelvis is tilted again, so I made an appt with my chiropractor on Friday night after work and got adjusted. Saturday I didn’t run because I had rehearsal and then went to bed super early because I had to get up so early the next morning. You see since my husband was playing the race, he had to get there really early before they blocked off the streets. That meant I had to be in the shower at four this morning so he could drop me off at the start line before heading out and setting up for the gig. Yeah, that kind of sucks because that meant that not only did I have to get there very early and sit around for hours, but I also had to run the race and then double back after getting my goodie bag, another 1.5 miles to get back to him so we could go home. It seems a bit extreme, but I’ve done the route where I finish and take the bus back to the car and believe it or not, it’s quicker and less painful just to walk back to the 4.5-mile mark.
Anyhoo cut to this morning. I woke up a bundle of anxiety. I really didn’t want to do the race because I had convinced myself it was going to be painful and horrible, and I would never finish it. I showered and got ready anyway. I vowed that even if I had to just walk it slowly, I would.
Rob dropped me off as it was just starting to get light out, and I walked about five more minutes to get to the boardwalk. I found a cafe that was open, so I grabbed a yogurt parfait and took a seat outside. That is where I stayed for the next two hours playing on my phone and people watching.
When we got closer to 8:30, I got into my corral but we didn’t start moving until at least 8:50 or so. The first two miles were really tough, which is kind of ironic since that is the most distance I had been getting in on my weekdays. You would think it would get harder AFTER two miles.
As I have found with most races I have done, once I hit the three-mile mark I was hitting my stride. Once I settle into my stride it just becomes a different mindset. The first two miles I just kept thinking: “Oh dear Lord, this is never going to work. I’m so tired already; there is no way I can make it another mile!” After mile three I think I relaxed a little bit, and I realized that I had made it that far, I could finish. It felt like it got easier.
Long story short, I finished and then made it back the 1.5 miles to find my husband already packed up and waiting in the van. I was in good spirits. I didn’t cry, even cracked a joke and shocked the heck out of my husband.
I’ve been back home for a couple hours now, and a sunburn has begun to redden my skin, but other than that, some minor chafing and a couple of popped blisters on my left foot/toes, I seem to be okay. Much better than the last time I did it.
Things I did differently this year:
- I didn’t push myself.
- I walked 90% of this race and was totally okay with that. I managed an 18 minute mile average.
- I listened to an audio book on tape instead of music.
- For the first time ever in my walk/run history, I didn’t listen to music. I downloaded the sequel that Stephen King wrote to The Shining and listened to that as I walked. It was a little weird at first, and I think that is why the first two miles were a little hard. Once I got into the meat of the story I was able to get my mind off how many more miles I had to go and let myself get lost in the tale.
- I think the disadvantage to this is that since I normally walk to a certain BPM, I walked slower than I normally would have.
- I had taken an Advil right before I got into my corral.
- I have no idea if this helped or not but I DO know that my back didn’t hurt at all this race. Even going uphill, and it ALWAYS hurts going up hill. It could be because I got my adjustment right before the race. It could be because I had my hydration belt on, and it was tight, thus serving as some sort of support. All I know is that for the first time in a long time my back didn’t hurt during a walk, so I’m going to stick with the Advil from now on.
Overall, I’m happy to report that I did much better than I thought I was going to. In endurance anyway, this race was not about a time for me to finish by, simply to finish at all.
I HATE EVERY LITTLE THING ABOUT IT EXERCISE
- I hate knowing that I have to do it:
- Just knowing that I have to run on my lunch hour makes me not want to do it. Every minute that precedes said lunch hour is spent in an internal debate about why I should or shouldn’t go on the run. It’s a toss up by lunch time whether I have talked myself out of it or not.
- I hate getting sweaty for it:
- I sweat…A LOT. I always have and I always will. I can sweat just sitting in a chair doing nothing, so it is so much worse when I actually get active. I hate that I go through so many different articles of clothing because washing them no longer gets rid of the stink. Yes, I sweat that much. The number of tank tops and sweatshirts I have tossed because even I couldn’t stand the armpit stench anymore is pretty amazing.
- I also hate that once I have gotten active and sweaty, there is no real way to cool myself down short of a cold shower or maybe a nap. It makes it really uncomfortable to carry go on about your day when I work out in the middle of the day and don’t have access to a shower/nap. I can’t tell you the number of times I have apologized for profusely sweating for no reason to a cast member at rehearsal for a play.
- I hate that it takes time out of my day:
- In order to get in a work out that makes a difference in my day I have to go for at least a half an hour. Given that I like to sleep a lot and usually have some sort of play rehearsal going on that limits my work out time to usually my lunch hours during the week. That gives me a half hour to go for a run and then I have less than 30 minutes to prepare my lunch, eat and change to get back to work. Just thinking about it makes me sweat – see above.
- I hate that no matter how many times I run, I still hurt:
- It’s not in what my husband would call a “bad hurt” like something is broken or torn, but in the sore muscle way. I’ve been running for three weeks straight, shouldn’t my shins and calves be getting used to this by now?? It’s not that they hurt so much after as it is during.
- What does hurt after is my knees and hips and ankles, and I know that is probably the sheer weight that is coming down on those joints but it doesn’t make me like it any less.
- I hate that I hate it:
- I desperately want to be one of those women that look forward to every single workout and become addicted to it. Sadly, that is not me.
UNTIL I WORK OUT
- I love how I feel after a workout:
- I love how it clears my mind and gets me back in control of my emotions. I have fought depression all of my adult life and exercise seems to be the only way to combat it without chemicals. I have managed to ween myself down to half the dosage on my anti-depressants this year but I still kind felt off, unless I work out.
- After I work out I am at peace. My thoughts are clear instead of jumbled and nothing really bothers me. I have a pretty hot temper and so to say this really means a lot.
- I have had pretty bad anxiety for most of my adult life as well. At one time it was so intense that I was very afraid of large open spaces. I couldn’t walk outside without having something to hold onto. While that has gotten a lot easier over the years I still have a tendency to panic over nothing for no reason. That dramatically decreases on the days I work out.
- I love how I still feel pretty good even the next morning. I love waking up in the morning, stretching and feeling like I gave my body a run for it’s money the day before.
- I love how it motivates me:
- On a day when I have no desire to be productive, after a work out I am on a mission to get sh*t done. I cannot be idle so I have no option other than to get to work at whatever task is at hand.
- I love how it lowers my blood pressure.
- When I was 26 years old and over 300 lbs I was put on blood pressure meds. When I was TWENTY SIX! As I lost the weight I was able to ween myself off them and haven’t taken them in many many years but my BP tends to run on the low end of high still. When I work out consistently I notice that it drops a significant amount.
As you can see, I have quite the love/hate relationship with working out. In theory, the good should outweigh the bad every time, but it doesn’t always work that way.
What are your reasons to get out there and get a work out in?
What are the most common reasons that you bail on them?
Okay, so it’s no secret that I am a big girl. And being a big girl, I have big arms, funny how that works. Something I discovered early on in my running training is that when I run for more than two days in a row I get a nasty chafing underneath my arms in my armpit area. It was something I just came to accept. I hated it and it hurt. It made me not want to go for my runs, but it was just something I had to accept. Years of running came at a price of not being able to rest my arms properly without pain.
Recently, my husband told that he switches out his deodorants every so often because he feels that after a while, his body gets used to one brand and it just stops working as well. This isn’t something he hasn’t told me before, but I usually don’t pay much attention because I was raised on Secret deodorant that tells you it is PH balanced so your body doesn’t get used to it.
I don’t like the smell of most deodorants. I think they smell like bathrooms and that doesn’t thrill me. Secret came out with a vanilla scented one a few years back and I fell in love with it. It appears that they are discontinuing it, so about two weeks ago I was at the grocery store and decided to look for something new.
Well, I have to say I’m a total convert. It not only keeps me from stinking better than my old favorite Secret, but I’ve been running consistently the past two weeks and I have not had ONE problem with the usual painful chafing. This is a pretty huge deal for me since I used to put off going on a run because of the inability to put my arms down without pain after. I LOVE this product!!!
In other news, I’ve been running pretty regularly, whether I want to or not. It has helped immensely with the work stress I’ve been having lately and it really calms me down after. I don’t think I would have survived this week without it. I have hated every step of the way some days, but I always feel amazing after.
The Wharf to Wharf is a week away and while I haven’t gotten a LOT of distance in, I’m more confident in myself than I was the last time I ran it. It’s going to hurt, I have no doubt about that, but my only goal is just to finish before the truck comes by to clear the road.
My food intake has not been so good. Yesterday, after rehearsal I hit the store and stocked up on a LOT of frozen diet dinners. The Lean Cuisines and generics of that sort of brand to try and help. I’m going to be going into rehearsals of my current play and I’m hoping it will make it easier on my husband for not having to cook every night and also easier on me for actually having some sort of portion control. I know it’s a lot of sodium but I’m hoping I can just use this as a sort of jump start.
That’s pretty much all I have to report for right now.
I did not want to run today.
Last night the husband and I attended a lovely low-key BBQ with friends where there was much music, drinks and tasty, but bad for me food to be had. We didn’t get home until late(for us) and then I continued to snack on the bad for me (but seriously, these were some tasty sausages) food and go to bed really late.
I woke up at eight thirty because my eldest dog was feeling left out of whatever was going on in the living room and repeatedly barked at the bedroom door until I got up and let him out. After I peed I realized that my tummy wasn’t feeling super great. Not bad, but more like a tummy that had ingested three Pineapple Sausage Dogs in quick succession not too far in the past.
Since I had put off my run the day before in favor of sleeping in, I knew I had to get it in today or else it would be three whole days with no activity. As I’m sure most of you know, the larger the length of time in between workouts adds fuel to the procrastination fire. The less activity I do, the less I want to do an activity. It’s simple math really.
So I puttered around and played on my computer, trying to justify an excuse in my mind that would save me from running other than I had some bad gas. I found none.
Finally, I put on my running gear and headed out. My first stop was my usual track right at the end of Carmel Valley at the middle school. What I saw was a packed parking lot overflowing onto the lawn because of what I had forgotten was the dog show they were having this weekend. Okay fine, off to my second choice, Carmel High. When I got there, I found it was under construction. There was nothing but gravel where the track used to be.
My only other choice is in the valley at the park and as I drove by that on my way to my other two spots I was made aware that they were having a car show, so that wasn’t an option either.
Well, it looks like the universe was smiling down on me, telling me to take a break. But I still had to go to the store, so I stopped at the Safeway in mid-valley. I realized as I parked my car that this was a relatively flat neighborhood that surrounded Safeway and maybe I could at least get a mile in. I had, after all, slathered on the sunscreen already so I didn’t really want to waste it.
I pulled out my phone and headphones and started out on a journey around the Safeway. Less than two trips around the block I had done my mile, but I didn’t feel too bad so I decided to keep going. By the two-mile mark, I was done but I was super proud that I even got a run in at all. And all the reasons that had kept me from wanting to run in the first place were negated by the run itself. The fatigue, the tummy upset, the overall feeling of ick. All gone with a two-mile run that almost wasn’t.
Not my personal best by any stretch of the imagination, but what is important to note here is that I felt good. As in, I felt progress.
Ever since I’ve been trying to get my runs in on my lunch hours I have had mostly nothing but pain during them. The pain in my lower back from hauling around this big belly. The calves that were burning intensely the second I started up the first hill. The stitch in my side as soon as I started to attempt a jog.
I still had that this morning, but everything felt less. The back pain is always pretty consistent, but that didn’t start to nag at me until I was at least half way done and even then it wasn’t bad. The calves were feeling less of a burn and the stitch in my side was delayed and less persistent as well.
As I was partway through I noticed that I was jogging on the flat areas as well as the downward hills. I usually only jog on the downhills and speed walk the rest. At the same time I noticed that, I noticed a smile on my face and realized – GASP! – I was ENJOYING my run! I know! I can’t believe it either!
Of course, when I reached my mental goal of 1.5 miles I was ready for it to be over and only pushed myself slightly more, but it felt good. It felt like my body is finally starting to appreciate what I am trying to do for it and is starting to object less. That may not sound like much but holy cow is it huge to me!
Not to mention the euphoric feeling that lasted hours after the run. It felt amazing and helped get me through a rough day of transitioning a new phone system at work.
It may not be like this again tomorrow, but today…today is what I need to remind myself of when I don’t want to get out there.
Weight on 6/12/14: 255
Weight this morning: 250.4
Total loss: -4.6 pounds!
For not dieting, I’d say I’m pretty proud of myself.
Like I said in the last entry, I’m trying to make better choices but I am by no stretch of the imagination counting calories/carbs/points right now.
In the weeks following my birthday(May 30th) I was making some very poor choices and, as a result, I gained those four pounds I just lost, but more than that I felt like total crap, and my blood pressure was the highest it has been in many many years. Like, since I was put on BP meds when I was 26 years old and 300+ pounds. That scared me. A lot.
The good news is that this week of working out for four consecutive days in a row(another mile and a half today!) have brought my blood pressure back down, and I have to say I feel pretty amazing.
This is not new information. I know how great I feel right after I work out. However, it has been well over a year since I exercised regularly enough for it to effect me even longer than the immediate endorphins.
This week I have been going to bed earlier and sleeping better than I have in a very long time. My mood has improved by leaps and bounds. I have been fighting depression a lot the last two years and it had gotten to the point where I just accepted it. I didn’t even notice that it was effecting those around me. I can’t even imagine being my husband and having to put up with me coming home in a foul mood every single day, not wanting to talk only shutting down and wallowing in my own self-pity.
I have felt like a completely different person since I have been exercising. It’s almost shocking. A complete 180 degree turn. I know this sounds like I’m gushing, and I guess I am – but if you have ever lived your life in the dark tunnel of depression, it’s amazing that all I had to do was get out and walk in the sunshine for a half an hour a day.
I’m sure that I knew that back when I was training for the half marathons the first couple of times, and that would make sense because I wasn’t struggling with the depression back then. Not sure if I connected the two things at the time because it’s been a long time since the depression was so encompassing as it has been lately.
I need to make sure I remember this. Hopefully, I won’t need to since I hope to keep on trucking with the exercise.