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Ta effing Da!

Yup, here I am again.

If you are reading this entry, I would like to explain the archives of this blog have been pieced together via the Wayback Machine that can show you old archived web pages.  Because I have been a bit of a impatient dumbass in the past, I had lost most of my entries when I switched over to a new domain host.  Yeah.

It’s nothing that I can change at this point, but I spent a lot of time last week copying the old entries over from the wayback machine and so some of the links and images probably no longer work.  I just wanted to explain why.

I have shifted back and forth on different blogs over the years, but I think it’s time to come back to this one.  This is a very diet neutral name and it’s one of the original ones if not THE original one that I started all those years ago.  I just loved the name and so here I am.

I have resurrected my old YouTube channel by the same name as well, because…might as well keep it all in the same vein right?  Back when I started that channel it was primarily for low carb recipes.  It was a little show I called Low Carb Cafe and I really enjoyed and miss making those videos.  So they will be back, but I’m also expanding the channel to vlogs and weigh ins and such so that it’s all my content in one channel.  Much like this blog.

So things have been going meh for me as far as the weight loss.  I’ve gone in ebbs and flows like always.  I lost about 40 lbs with low calorie and portion control only to gain most of it back when I fell of the wagon.

In December of 2017 my husband had a heart attack and his dr recommended keto so we have been trying that ever since.  And when I say that we have been trying that, I mean that we were really good for a few months, he dropped 30 lbs and I 15, but then I just couldn’t stick with it.  I kept cheating at work and not telling my husband and pretending I was eating fine at home.  We both fell out of the exercise routine and in turn fell stagnant on the weight loss front.

My anxiety and depression have played a really big part in me not wanting to do anything – also I discovered that now when I lower my carbs I get heart palpitations when I don’t supplement with sea salt because I get super low on electrolytes.  It makes me not want to do the diet because I just don’t want to deal with that.

The latest set back is that my husbands mother has been in a health crisis.  Her kidneys are failing  and she has lots f blockages in her heart, but she only has a 10% chance of surviving surgery.  So basically she was sent home a month ago to die.

In pulling her off of 15 of her medications however, they didn’t anticipate that she would bounce back.  She went from being bed bound to going to Target the other day.

What this has meant for us, is that we have been heading over there most nights after work and cooking food for her…whatever she wants since they took her off dietary restriction.  Since we then get home with only an hour or so to relax before bed, that leaves us at the mercy of eating whatever she wanted and also bringing those leftovers to work for lunches the next day.

Let’s just say it hasn’t been Keto, or even moderately healthy.

We made a decision this weekend that we were just going to have to suck it up and either make her meals more towards our diet, or we would have to cook a bunch on our “nights off” to supplement the meals that we won’t be eating at her house.

I’ve just been to the grocery store to stock up, and we’ll see what I can cook up tonight to get us ready for the next few days.

So that is what is going on with me.  I weighed in yesterday at 257 lbs.  That is up about 20 pounds from my recent lowest.  I’m hoping to reign all this in and start exercising again too.  Thus dusting off the YouTube channel and this blog.

Wish me luck!!!!

Fresh Starts

Stale.  Stuck.  Scared.  Apathetic . Failure.

These are all the things I have been feeling lately about my lack of weight loss  and fitness.  And life in general for that matter, which of course is a direct result of feeling like a big fat blob that has zero motivation or willpower to do anything about it.

Fresh starts are good.  I think that is what I need.   I hope that is what I need.

I have always had a weight problem.  Ever since I emerged from my mothers womb.  Mom loves to tell the story of how I could barely open my eyes because my cheeks were so full and fat.  Also, how she and my father were afraid I wouldn’t be able to walk due to the excessive amount of leg chub I had.  (I still have that!) To be fair, the odds were stacked against me in the genetics department as both my parents and most our extended family also had weight issues.

I have yo yo dieted with the best of them.   You name the diet or fad and I have tried it, even if only for a day or so.

Spending every single second of every day freaking out about everything I put in my mouth.  I also exercised obsessively.  Cardio three times a day while following a 1200 calorie diet worked really well but made me a little nutty in my head.  Also, I was unemployed and had time to do all that exercise as well as counting and recounting calories all day long.

Gallstones worked really well for me as well.  I couldn’t eat an ounce of fat or I would have a gallbladder attack.  Anyone who has ever had one of those, knows how painful it is and why you would avoid it at all costs.  I lived on cereal and fat free milk for two months until I could get my surgery and lost about 25 pounds.  Of course once that little sucker was out of my body, I made up for those two months by eating double of what I would have eaten sans stones, and gained it all back.

Low carb works.  I know that because I did it for two years straight and lost 80 pounds.  That is how I lost the bulk of my weight after topping off at a size 30/5x.  It really does.  However, once I went off for one little cheat, I could NOT reign it back in.  I realize that is my problem and not anyone elses.   I have tried it again and again over the years and it still works, however due to a serious case of diverticulitis I can not longer continue on that way of eating.  In order to make the diet have a good variety for me I need to use almond flour/nuts and a heavy hand of veggies that my stomach can no longer tolerate…possibly because of:

Bulimia with a side of laxative addiction…now that one really worked!  Got me down to a size 8.  It also got me $25,000 worth of ongoing dental work, a f*cked up esophagus and stomach problems that still plague me twenty years later.

In the end it turns out that a healthy balance of working out and eating healthy can really do the trick.  Who knew?

My last venture into the weight loss lifestyle had me down into a weight where I was comfortable.  Not thin by any stretch of the imagination, but I was happy with how I felt and looked in a size 18.  That was when I was training for my 1st ½ marathon.  I felt good and I looked good, at least in my opinion.  I was terrified of the marathon so I trained really hard.  I lost a bunch of weight and my mood was super improved by the running and exercise.  I didn’t even have to diet that strictly, just make better choices.  However, once I ran the marathon and realized that I could really just walk the whole thing the next time and not kill myself with training…well you can guess what happened.  I did four half marathons in five years, the last one I didn’t even bother to train for and nearly wrecked myself.  The fun of running marathons had lost its shine and I basically haven’t really worked out since.

I have been eating whatever I want and not working out for quite some time now.  I feel like a sloth.  I have gained a lot of weight, yet have zero motivation to do anything about it.

My aha moment started at our company Christmas party this year.  I had been fairly successful at avoiding the camera for a while now.  Aside from vacation shots where I would pose and or hide behind someone to camouflage myself.   Well, during the White Elephant gift exchange my friend grabbed my phone and snapped some shots of me opening my present.  When I uploaded all the pics from the party I was horrified with what I saw.   I am dangerously close to getting back up to my highest weight.  The weight where my husband had to tie my shoes for me.  The weight where I was on the cusp of not being able to take care of myself hygienically.  This was frightening.

Moreover, I need to address the depression that has gripped me in the past year  and hasn’t let me go.  It might even have extended longer than a year, but who can tell anymore.  I am unhappy.  I am fat.  I am showing all the classic symptoms of sleep apnea.  I am out of breath after walking a block and my back is hurting ALL THE TIME from supporting the girth of my belly.
I no longer want to do the things that used to bring me joy.  Theater, exercise, hanging out with friends…that last one is really key.  I don’t want people to see how huge I have gotten.  You can call it stupid, but it’s true.  I don’t want to see anyone I haven’t seen in a year or so because they are going to see how far I’ve let myself spiral out of control.  I’m just not happy with myself.

So here I am, putting myself out there.  I don’t have much of a plan.  I only have a glimmer of hope that I might be able to drag myself up from this mire of self hate and basically self mutilation.  I want to feel free again.

Here goes.

My Very First Half Marathon

Wow.

Today was a pretty big day for me.  Okay, that is an understatement.  Today was a huge milestone in my life.

I walked the Las Vegas Rock & Roll Half Marathon.

I say walked because that is what I did the majority of it.  I did jog a bit of it but by no stretch of the imagination did I run it.

It all started back when I began running.  I was doing quite well and was very proud of myself and it seemed like a great goal to sign up for a half marathon.  I was in a new romance with running and have a long standing romance with Vegas so it just seemed natural.  So I shelled out my money and signed up.

…then I strained my IT Band and it sidelined me for a good amount of time.  I was disappointed but was sure I could get my training back on track and be fine for the marathon.

…then I got involved in a local play.  It zapped a lot of my time and energy but I was sure I could get back to my training and be fine for the marathon.

…then I got sick.  TWICE.  But I thought sure…blah, blah, blah.

Yeah.

So the last few weeks I have been busting my hump, walking the loop on my lunch breaks and doing long distances on the weekends but I  couldn’t fight the fear that I just wouldn’t make it.  I had already shelled out the money so there wasn’t really an option of going back.  I had long conversations with The Hubs and he reassured me that I could do it but I couldn’t help fighting the nagging fear that I had bitten off way more than I could chew.

Today I finished the half marathon in 3 hours and 42 minutes.  Not the best time I was hoping for but I DID IT!  It was painful and the last two miles I REALLY wanted to give up but I DID IT!

I finished and found my husband and immediately broke down crying.  I couldn’t tell him why I was crying, but I couldn’t really stop doing it.  Everything hurt.  I was so sore and my feet were wrecked but that really wasn’t the reason I was crying.

I am still overweight.  I may always will be.  But I am nowhere near as HUGE as I used to be.  When I first moved in with The Hubs, I could barely walk our dog Romie down to the end of the block without my lower back seizing up and making me stop and catch my breath…and we lived in the MIDDLE of the block!   There was a point that I couldn’t tie my own shoes because I was so overweight so I always bought slip ons.

After I had lost a few pounds, I then had an anxiety problem that crippled me in the way of walking out in open spaces.  I literally needed to have something to hold on to to get to my destination.  If I didn’t I could only walk completely hunched over, staring at the ground until I got somewhere were I knew I would be supported.  I can’t explain it but I had an overwhelming feeling that I was going to fall down in open spaces.  I was so scared that I would fall and that fear just fed into my anxiety until it was out of control.  I don’t pretend to understand and I don’t know how to describe it to others but it was very much there.  It had a lot to do with my stress level at the job I had at the time because once we moved and I got a new job it gradually went away.

So as you can see, I had some issues with just being able to walk.

Today, I paid a good amount of money to walk 13.1 miles.  And I did it.  And I got a shiny medal for it that I will ALWAYS hold dear to my heart.

This medal means so much more than just finishing a half marathon.  This medal means that I have conquered so many fears and doubts about myself that I can’t even name.

That was why I couldn’t stop crying when I finished.  It was a release of many years of being held captive by my own mind and body.

I did it!

So many of my friends and family have helped cheer me on along the way.  Giving me hope and encouragement when I had none of my own.  You ALL told me that I could do it. You ALL believed in me and I didn’t believe in myself.  I love you so much for that.

Special shout out to my husband.  He was not only behind me every step of the way but he was there to lift me up when I fell.  He was privy to a lot of emotional downfalls during my journey and had nothing but positive words and actions to help me through.

Today when he met me after I was done I fell apart.  Because I knew I could.  I knew he would understand and get me through the rest of the day no matter what.  He is a special man and he had stuck through me from 300+ pounds to current and has never wavered with his love and devotion.

So while the medal means a lot to me and I will always look at it with pride, I am truly blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life that love me and help me out when I need it.  You know who you are.  :-)