Since Monday I have been working out on my own. In my last entry I detailed how I tried to find a gym around here that met my needs but failed miserably. However, what I didn’t mention in that entry was my social anxiety and what a high part that played in my decision to not join a gym.
Anyhoo, Monday I did a workout DVD.
Last night I wasn’t called to rehearsal until 7:30 and that isn’t enough time to go home, so I put on my work out clothes after work threw everything in the car and headed around the business park where I worked for a walk/jog. This is the same area that I did a lot of my training on lunch breaks for the half marathons back when I had a full hour lunch break. It wasn’t nearly as hard as I thought it was going to be. Before I left work, I put some wet paper towels into a ziplock bag and then used them when I got to rehearsal to take a bit of a whore’s bath in the bathroom while changing back into my street clothes.
Tonight I did the same workout DVD that I had done on Monday.
So my thoughts:
I haven’t felt as clear headed and generally happy as I have the last three days in a VERY long time.
If you have followed my youtube channel, you are aware that I had been suffering from a pretty severe depression for the last few months. It comes and goes in it’s severity, but it has never really gone away. My anxiety has also been very high. Having panic attacks for little or no reason. It was really starting to freak me out.
The last three days I have been in the BEST mood and little to no anxiety.
Having said all of that. None of this is surprising to me. I am not a stranger to exercise and how wonderful it makes me feel. My problem has been that I couldn’t seem to get the motivation to get back into working out, at all in the last couple of years. Getting off my couch has seemed like the hardest thing to do. I have grown complacent to my sedentary lifestyle and I was comfortable there. I was even willing to let myself fall into the depths of a deep depression, knowing that fitness would help me out of it.
I can’t explain why it seemed like such a hard thing for me to do. It just did. I just thought it would hurt so much and I would fail. And in all honestly, my anxiety had gotten so high that in the back of my mind, I probably feared that I would drop of a heart attack at the slightest bit of cardio activity.
Guys, ever since Monday I have been CRAVING my workout. No joke! I couldn’t wait to get home tonight to do my DVD. Last night I was lamenting that I wouldn’t be able to do a workout at home because of rehearsal, and when I made the decision to walk/jog my old stomping grounds I was soooo happy with myself.
It should also be noted that I am pretty sleep deprived right now because of rehearsals. I am normally in bed by nine thirty on weeknights and by seven or eight on a Sunday to prepare for the week. Sunday and Tuesday I wasn’t in bed until 11 or midnight both nights because of rehearsal. While this might not seem like much to a youngster that doesn’t require much sleep, this is a HUGE lack of sleep to me. One that typically leaves me grouchy and emotional for the rest of the week.
I have felt fantastic all work week! I might have drank more coffee than normal,(which by the way, normally makes my anxiety go through the roof – not this time!) but I have felt pretty darn amazing.
I hope I am not jinxing myself by posting this, but I don’t think so. I’m really happy and excited to me working out again and I love this feeling!!!
We are one week out from the play going up. I mention this because at this time in every other play I have ever done, I am stressed to the max. I am bawling on a daily basis, barely keeping my eyes open at work and just in an overall foul mood most of the time.
I am happy to report that is not the case with this play. Part of it has to do with an amazing director that has her shit together, but I am really thinking a lot of it has to do with the fact that I am not eating crap.
It sounds stupid to say that, but I really believe it to be true. I wake up every morning expecting to be just cranky and crying at the drop of a hat and ready to snap at someone for no reason, because that is they way that this normally works for me.
On a normal night when I am not doing a show I am in bed by ten at the latest. This past week I haven’t even been home at that hour and have been averaging bedtime around 12:15 or so. Unheard of for me on a work night unless in a play…where I react like I spoke of above because of the sleep deprivation.
To prove my theory even more, I have to let you know that I am about to start my period. Aaaaaand, I have the WORST PMS on a good day. To the point where I have to apologize to people on a regular basis for my shitty attitude and for biting their heads off.
So….add all that together in a blender and you would think I would be ready to do some serious damage to someone or something right? It hasn’t been so.
I have been a little cranky at things that I feel are justified, but no more so than a regular day for me. I really think that eating more of an actual “food” based diet is totally making me more sane.