So I created a youtube account for my verbal diarrhea. 🙂
If you want to check it out, here is the link.
Many years ago, I used to have a cooking show on youtube called Lo Carb Cafe. I had forgotten how much I enjoyed hosting that, but with not being able to eat low carb anymore, there wasn’t much reason to keep up with the show.
My current channel will just be me chronicling my new weight loss journey and my hopeful progress.
I went grocery shopping today and got all kinds of veggies and good starches. Tonight I ordered some meal prep containers from amazon and I’m looking forward to prepping a bunch of meals and not having to worry about what my husband is making for dinner while I’m at rehearsal. 🙂
Most of all, I’m just really excited for losing weight again. It’s been a long time since I felt any motivation, so this is huge.
Stale. Stuck. Scared. Apathetic . Failure.
These are all the things I have been feeling lately about my lack of weight loss and fitness. And life in general for that matter, which of course is a direct result of feeling like a big fat blob that has zero motivation or willpower to do anything about it.
Fresh starts are good. I think that is what I need. I hope that is what I need.
I have always had a weight problem. Ever since I emerged from my mothers womb. Mom loves to tell the story of how I could barely open my eyes because my cheeks were so full and fat. Also, how she and my father were afraid I wouldn’t be able to walk due to the excessive amount of leg chub I had. (I still have that!) To be fair, the odds were stacked against me in the genetics department as both my parents and most our extended family also had weight issues.
I have yo yo dieted with the best of them. You name the diet or fad and I have tried it, even if only for a day or so.
Spending every single second of every day freaking out about everything I put in my mouth. I also exercised obsessively. Cardio three times a day while following a 1200 calorie diet worked really well but made me a little nutty in my head. Also, I was unemployed and had time to do all that exercise as well as counting and recounting calories all day long.
Gallstones worked really well for me as well. I couldn’t eat an ounce of fat or I would have a gallbladder attack. Anyone who has ever had one of those, knows how painful it is and why you would avoid it at all costs. I lived on cereal and fat free milk for two months until I could get my surgery and lost about 25 pounds. Of course once that little sucker was out of my body, I made up for those two months by eating double of what I would have eaten sans stones, and gained it all back.
Low carb works. I know that because I did it for two years straight and lost 80 pounds. That is how I lost the bulk of my weight after topping off at a size 30/5x. It really does. However, once I went off for one little cheat, I could NOT reign it back in. I realize that is my problem and not anyone elses. I have tried it again and again over the years and it still works, however due to a serious case of diverticulitis I can not longer continue on that way of eating. In order to make the diet have a good variety for me I need to use almond flour/nuts and a heavy hand of veggies that my stomach can no longer tolerate…possibly because of:
Bulimia with a side of laxative addiction…now that one really worked! Got me down to a size 8. It also got me $25,000 worth of ongoing dental work, a f*cked up esophagus and stomach problems that still plague me twenty years later.
In the end it turns out that a healthy balance of working out and eating healthy can really do the trick. Who knew?
My last venture into the weight loss lifestyle had me down into a weight where I was comfortable. Not thin by any stretch of the imagination, but I was happy with how I felt and looked in a size 18. That was when I was training for my 1st ½ marathon. I felt good and I looked good, at least in my opinion. I was terrified of the marathon so I trained really hard. I lost a bunch of weight and my mood was super improved by the running and exercise. I didn’t even have to diet that strictly, just make better choices. However, once I ran the marathon and realized that I could really just walk the whole thing the next time and not kill myself with training…well you can guess what happened. I did four half marathons in five years, the last one I didn’t even bother to train for and nearly wrecked myself. The fun of running marathons had lost its shine and I basically haven’t really worked out since.
I have been eating whatever I want and not working out for quite some time now. I feel like a sloth. I have gained a lot of weight, yet have zero motivation to do anything about it.
My aha moment started at our company Christmas party this year. I had been fairly successful at avoiding the camera for a while now. Aside from vacation shots where I would pose and or hide behind someone to camouflage myself. Well, during the White Elephant gift exchange my friend grabbed my phone and snapped some shots of me opening my present. When I uploaded all the pics from the party I was horrified with what I saw. I am dangerously close to getting back up to my highest weight. The weight where my husband had to tie my shoes for me. The weight where I was on the cusp of not being able to take care of myself hygienically. This was frightening.
Moreover, I need to address the depression that has gripped me in the past year and hasn’t let me go. It might even have extended longer than a year, but who can tell anymore. I am unhappy. I am fat. I am showing all the classic symptoms of sleep apnea. I am out of breath after walking a block and my back is hurting ALL THE TIME from supporting the girth of my belly.
I no longer want to do the things that used to bring me joy. Theater, exercise, hanging out with friends…that last one is really key. I don’t want people to see how huge I have gotten. You can call it stupid, but it’s true. I don’t want to see anyone I haven’t seen in a year or so because they are going to see how far I’ve let myself spiral out of control. I’m just not happy with myself.
So here I am, putting myself out there. I don’t have much of a plan. I only have a glimmer of hope that I might be able to drag myself up from this mire of self hate and basically self mutilation. I want to feel free again.
So I started on the Monday before last at 265 and I weighed in on last Monday at 260.4 for a total loss of 4.6 lbs.
Not at all a shabby start to any diet. However, it could have been more, and it was. I’m sure you can all see where this confession is leading.
When I woke up last Saturday, I weighed in before my shower at 258.4. Seven pounds down. I was super excited and happy about it, but I knew that we were venturing into San Francisco that day to meet up with friends and colleagues of my husband for lunch and dinner. We do this about once a year and of course it is always centered around food.
I went in with the best of intentions. I scoured the menu of the first fancy steakhouse (we weren’t paying) and found that the only thing that was on the purification was a small mixed green salad. Okay, I would have that. But by the time we actually got to SF and everyone had gathered, I was STARVING and was already starting to cave. Rob and I decided to compromise and SPLIT the Asian skirt steak salad and an order of spring rolls. The salad was more on my diet than not other than the meat and the peanuts. It was greens and a cilantro vinaigrette dressing with oranges and of course the meat and peanuts. It was also fantastic! The spring rolls, were okay so I didn’t snack too much on those.
Having eaten “light” with our first meal, I was hungry again when we got to the second place to meet up with a high school friend of my husbands and her family. It was a gourmet hamburger eatery and the while there were lots of salad options, I had slunk into the: “Well, I already blew it.” mode. I’m not hard to convince of this when on a diet. I am weak. The good news is, Rob and I split the meal again. We got a Western BBQ Bacon Burger that was almost more bacon than burger and curly fries, but we split it and I didn’t feel like a TOTAL pig after.
Sunday I hopped right back on the diet in full force and then on Monday we had arranged to get dinner and bring it to our friends Laura and Josh’s because we hadn’t seen them in forever and our schedules finally gelled.
Please understand that my husband and I NEVER go anywhere or socialize. We go to work and come home and then veg all weekend. So the irony that all this FOOD socializing was taking place while I was on this diet is not lost on me.
Anyhoo, the only place that anyone agreed on between our work and their house was a Mexican restaurant that didn’t serve any type of salad. I opted for the fajitas because it was mostly just meat and veggies. I did eat the tortillas, I was hungry and weak.
What I haven’t done is give up. Normally at this stage in the game having cheated twice in less than two weeks, I would throw in the towel and bring on the fried foods, but I haven’t. This week has been all about the fruits and veggies and today I get to add meat.
So I will take my 4.6 loss and keep moving forward. Rob is out of town tomorrow and Saturday night. That is usually grounds for me to get my favorite Thai food and eat on it all weekend, but instead I’m going to get a rotisserie chicken from the store and eat it with some brown rice and a sweet potato and it’s going to feel like cheating! 🙂
I will check in next Monday with my next weigh in.
So it’s interesting to me, that my “meals” have become more of a variety of snacks than full on meals. For example- this morning for breakfast I had a small bowl of pureed squash, pepper strips dipped in homemade “zucchini hummus” and followed with one of my shakes as desert. Lunch was a small bowl of homemade veggie soup, followed by carrot sticks dipped in the same hummus and a half of an avocado. I never feel stuffed, but I always feel satisfied. And to be quite honest, I was getting sick of the overly full feeling I was getting from every meal lately. The disgust that I felt that I had eaten that much, followed by the carb crash about an hour later and the desperate sodium thirst that happened after. It had been a pretty never ending cycle for me for quite some time recently.
Having said that, I can’t deny that I see all the snacks and food we have at home and I just want to dive in. While I feel “satisfied” most of the time, it would be so much easier to grab a bag of chips rather than cut up veggies. To make a quick sandwich for lunch tomorrow would be very simple compared to prepping all the things needed to go in a salad, or gathering all my “snacks” together to make a meal. Convenience has ruled my life and my diet for a very long time. Even when I lost all my weight initially, it was because the low carb craze had hit and hit big. There were little low carb pop up shops where you could get everything under the sun! Low carb cereal and pizza. Even Cheetos and Doritos came out with low(er) carb options at the time. It was a full on mania and I loved it.
Having to prepare meals every single night just gets old. I know that sounds really stupid, because…well, that is what adults do right? You come home and make dinner for your family. I guess I’ve gotten complacent and quite frankly, lazy. Wow. See, this is why I blog. That was a realization for me right there.
Okay, it’s no secret that I’m lazy, that’s not what I meant. However, I just realized how much I have been doing myself a disservice by thinking that cooking takes up too much of my free time. By wanting the convenience of fast meals for myself and my husband all week, simply so I could watch more TV and play on the internet, I have really been cheating myself out of a healthier body and mind. Not to mention the exercising I could be doing to make my mental health better again. I do realize that isn’t rocket science, and I suppose somewhere in the back of my mind I have known this all along. But for me to put it on virtual pen to paper, it hit home really hard right now.
All this week I have been going to bed early – mostly to read and fall asleep. This is because I’m afraid I will want to cheat on my diet if I stay up in close proximity to the kitchen until I “get tired”. I haven’t watched TV at all this week and I haven’t missed it.
I had forgotten how much I love reading until my eyes are too tired to stay open and then closing them. Maybe not falling asleep right away, because I am replaying what just happened in the book in delicious detail in my mind, but loving every second of doing so. That used to be a habit from my childhood. Back when we couldn’t afford cable or phone and there was no internet. I loved that.
Wow. I think I need to go let that sink in for a minute.
So today was day three. I know I am not supposed to weigh myself every day, but it’s what I do. According to the scale this morning I was down 3 pounds. In two days.
Now before I brag too hard, I know that is all water weight. The reason I know this, is because I have been peeing like crazy! I told my co workers that I found out the reason you lose weight on the purification program is because of all the walking you do to and from the bathroom! Heh. I’ll take it either way. I don’t think I have ever not accepted a loss on the scale in my 42 years on the planet. Even food poisoning and the flu offered a silver lining.
If you are looking for more info on the program I am following, feel free to click here. It should pull up a PDF file of the guide book that you use to follow this diet.
Today I finally started to feel pretty good. I still want to eat the world, but I’m getting better at being more prepared for my food during the day at work. I felt I turned a corner today as far as my energy increasing and feeling better overall. The first two days I was VERY lethargic and had zero motivation to do anything. I noticed that around four in the afternoon I had much less of that bottomed out feeling I usually have, even when I’m not dieting. I’m not attributing that to the diet, I’m just observing.
That is what a lot of my entries are going to be like over the next few days. I failed to write down my observations the first time I did this program and I regret that. So I’m going to make up for it by putting way too much information on to the interwebs and making people sick of reading it. You’re welcome!
Another observation is that my poop is orange. I know that is from the amount of yams and carrots and butternut squash I am consuming, but it made me laugh tonight when I looked into the bowl. Come on, you know we ALL look into the bowl before flushing…you never know what kind of masterpiece you might have created!
I want to say that my skin looks a little bit clearer. I think that might be just a placebo effect at this stage in the game, but I know for sure that it is no where near as oily as it usually gets on a day to day basis. Another win that I will gladly accept.
What I am finding also in the last two nights, is that I eat earlier than normal because I’m pretty hungry and then as a result I go to bed earlier. Not necessarily to sleep, but to retire and read or play on my phone. Things I normally do sitting up on the couch, but since I am doing them laying down the chance of sleep comes a bit earlier. Well, that and I’ve been so tired from detoxing from carbs and sugar.
Day three went pretty well I think. Next entry, I will talk about the few recipes I have found that make it a bit more bearable this time around.
Let’s just let that sink in for a second shall we? That was my weight as of Monday morning. That is LESS than forty pounds away from being 300 pounds again. It’s true that I don’t know how far above 300 I actually got at my heaviest because my scale broke (poor overworked thing!), but it doesn’t matter.
I feel every ounce of this weight gain. In fact, some days I feel even heavier than I did at my highest weight. I know that has a lot to do with age. When I was 300 plus pounds before, I was in my early 20’s. No real health worries other than that pesky high blood pressure. Hello? I was put on blood pressure meds when I was 26 years old, and I wasn’t concerned that much? Hmph.
Anyhoo. None of this news should surprise me because it’s not like I’ve been doing a whole lot to try to lose weight, let alone maintain my current weight. I dabbled in low carb again for a minute, but had such a horrible attack of gastritis brought on my my diverticulitis from all the almond flower and broccoli I had eaten, that I didn’t dare to try again. Really, wasn’t that just an excuse though?
Then it was all about the trip to Korea coming up. No sense in dieting because we are going to eat whatever we want while we are there. And after we got home it was just one excuse after another.
Truth be told, after 30 some odd years of dieting, I’m just TIRED of it! It’s hard and I don’t like things to be difficult. I like to be able to eat whatever I want and then lay about on the couch like a big slug and never have to worry about my health or how I look.
Yes, I am fully aware that is pretty much everyone’s dream as well, but at least I’m being honest. And furthermore, I am so sick of working out. I went on such a great stretch of running and training and I felt and looked great. I don’t know where all my motivation has gone. It makes me very sad and kind of disturbed. Like I’m giving in to the depression that has always loomed heavy around me my whole life. I hate it so much, yet I know exactly what I need to do to change it and I refuse. I just can’t get out of my own head!
Having said that, I started the purification diet again on Monday. It lasts 21 days, so I know it isn’t forever and I am familiar enough with it that I could sort of launch myself into it with little prep. Not to mention the first time I did this diet, I lost 15 pounds in three weeks. I’m not expecting the same results this time, but that would be nice. 😉
This time around there are many more recipes to keep variety alive on the SP website, so that is encouraging. Sunday I made some vegetable soup that I have been eating for lunch the last two days. Tonight I made some hummus made from homemade tahini, zucchini, olive oil, lemon juice and a couple other spices. While it isn’t the hummus I know, it will be so nice to dip my veggies into something after eating them plain the last couple of days.
So I’m rounding down day two tonight and it hasn’t been easy at all. In fact, I can’t tell you the number of times I have almost reached for some sort of food not on the diet just out of sheer habit, but I’m doing it. I hope to add exercise soon, but I’m not going to push my luck just yet.
All I can do is keep trying right? I’m still not feeling gung ho, or 100 percent on this, but I’m just putting one step in front of the other at this point. Hopefully I will get where I need to be.
So I’m effectively starting over as of Tuesday so I’m calling this my first weigh in. Deal with it.
Beginning weight: 261 lbs
Today’s Weight: 256.4 lbs
Result: -4.6 lbs
Needless to say that I am really happy with this. I know that every time I “start” a diet I lose quite a bit the first week, and I know that it is water weight, but I actually *feel* thinner this time. I feel like I’m heading in the right direction, instead of just going through the motions.
I think the turning point right now is exercise. I have worked out every day since the restart. Nothing hardcore at all, just light aerobic activity. On Tuesday and Thursday I did the “Burn” portion of the Learn and Burn Turbo Jam DVD, (more on TJ later) and on Wednesday and Friday (today) I did a simple brisk 20 minute walk on my lunch break. It’s not like I’m burning a thousand calories, but Dr Atkins did state in his book that Exercise is Non-Negotiable! I think every little step I take helps, and that is also something that has been missing from my diet every time I have restarted.
So now more about Turbo Jam. This was a work out craze that came out quite a few years back led by Chalene Johnson. It’s a lot like kickboxing I guess. I bought the DVD’s years ago and I remember really enjoying them whenever I would use them. They are intense but they FUN! Plus they have this awesome timer thing that slides across the screen that really helps me to keep going when I see there are only a few minutes left of each “session”.
I have no idea what became of the old DVD’s but I recently sought them out online and was able to obtain another set. I’m happy to report they are just as fun as ever, and this time I plan on getting past the “Learn and Burn” and “20 Minute” workout to actually utilizing the more intense and longer workouts.
I did learn how completely out of shape I am after just one session of the Learn and Burn. I felt muscles I didn’t know existed!
Anyhoo, that is my progress for now. I’ll update more later.
Yeah, I haven’t been doing so good on the diet. I keep gaining and losing the same 5 pounds +1 because I was not working out, and I have cheated every single weekend. I have had no self-control.
I believe it was weight watchers that recommend 10 percent goals. I think I’m going to have to start some reward system for myself because my current “Goals” aren’t working.
In case you were wondering, my current goals are just to lose weight for certain events. My husband’s 30-year reunion is next month, and I’d like to look nice for that. Our trip to Maine is at the end of August, and I’d like to be back in a size 18 like I was the last time I was there two years ago. Our trip to Vegas is in November and well, you know the drill.
None of that seems to keep me motivated though so I’m thinking an actual reward system with material rewards might start helping. Maybe some sort of reward on the trips, like putting the money aside for a show in Vegas or a shopping trip in Maine. Hell, maybe just a new pair of shoes here. 😀
That is where the 10 percent goals come into play.
Ten percent of my current body weight is 26 pounds. When put like that, it hardly seems as daunting of a task as losing a hundred plus pounds right?
Ten percent after that would only be 23 pounds. I like how the goals get smaller the more I lose! I’m not going to put a time limit on them because that is just a recipe for disaster, but I am going to set the goals for a pretty good prize. Am I thinking massage? Oh, yes…I think so!
See how I just talked myself into that?
Hubs and I took an extended four-day break from the diet because both of us seemed to have lost all desire to cook and on low carb that is kind of important.
I got back on the bandwagon on Tuesday and have not only been eating on point but have actually worked out for the last three days! How come I’m not skinny yet?? I peeked at the scale this morning and I appear to be down 3 pounds since Tuesday. I will officially weigh in tomorrow to get my weigh-ins back on a normal schedule and go forward from there.
I just have to keep focused. I hope the small 10% goal reward system will work!!
Okay so there is a reason there was no week three weigh in. Lemmie explain…
Once or twice a year I like to recharge my batteries. The way that I do this is to get a hotel room in a nearby city that has a pool and a hot tub, as well as nearby shopping and I go there. By myself. I bring books, the laptop, my crochet and anything else that I have wanted to do but can’t seem to find the time in my busy day to day life.
I was really run down and burned out the last couple of weeks. I was depressed and angry a lot, and I knew it was time to take that trip to aloneland.
I told myself I was going to stay on my diet. With the bunless burgers and steak and eggs of the world, I would be fine eating out for my meals. I even brought some lunch meat and cheese to snack on since the hotel had a fridge.
The decision to stay on low carb that weekend didn’t even last until I got to the hotel.
Friday night I had Pizza Hut deliver medium pan Ultimate Cheese Lovers Pizza and boneless wings. (You know the kind with the breading!) Also, I snacked on the Ritz crackers I had bought when I got gas earlier that day.
Saturday I woke up and ate leftover pizza for breakfast. I got dressed and went shopping at the local mall where I got a medium Peanut Butter Cup Perfection bowl at Coldstone and ate every last drop. I then proceeded to pick up some Panda Express for dinner when I got back to the hotel. In addition, I stopped on the way back to the hotel and picked up a bag of Cheese Puffcorn to snack on later that night. Sunday morning I hit up their continental breakfast and filled up on half an English muffin, eggs, country potatoes and a blueberry muffin that was more muffin than blueberry.
Yeah, I went a little crazy. I do NOT regret doing it though. It was part of my “let me do whatever I want and feel no judgement from anyone” weekend, and it was exactly what I needed to get my head on straight again. I also hit the hot tub and swam a lot which also helped.
I didn’t get on the scale again until that following Tuesday and what I found shocked even me, and I KNEW how much I ate that weekend: 258.6
I was very much taken aback and wanted to quit the diet, but I didn’t. Instead, I dusted off my old Myfitnesspal account and started logging everything I ate to make sure I kept my carbs in the 18-22g a day area.
Five days later and I am down 7.2 pounds!
So while there is no “Official” weight loss to report this week, I did in fact lose 7.2 pounds.
What does that tell me? I was way overeating my carbs without knowing it. When I log everything, I am held accountable. Previously I was writing everything down by hand and “guessing” at some of the carb counts. I shan’t be doing that again.
In other news, I found out that I am allergic to pumpkin seeds.
A while back I had an allergic reaction while eating a seasoned, raw sprouted seed mixture. I assumed that it was an allergy to one of the spices because I had eaten all of those kinds of seeds before with no problems.
I bought a bag of pumpkin seeds a couple of weeks ago, and I snacked on them one day last week, I had a handful in the morning and had a couple more early that afternoon.
As I was on my walk that lunch break when I felt my throat start to feel sore, and after lunch I could feel the back of my tongue getting itchy and swollen. Everything towards the back of the roof of my mouth was sore in the same way it was after I ate that other mixture.
That night I had a noticeably fat lip, and everything on the left side of my mouth (the side I predominantly chew on) was swollen and painful. I hopped on the Facebook to get opinions and was quite alarmed by my informative friends responses. I took a Benadryl, and it eventually went away. Took about two days to get back to normal, and it kinda scared the crap out of me. I’ve never been allergic to seeds before. As recent as six months or so I had some pumpkin kernels on the Autumn Soup and Panera Bread and never had a reaction. That leads me to believe that it’s the actual outside seed that I might have an allergy to.
I guess that food allergies develop as we get older, and things that never affected us before can be life-threatening as time goes on. Scary stuff!
– 1.4 for the week
Okay, so admittedly this hasn’t been the GIANT weight loss I usually get when I first start low carb. But it is a LOSS so I am just going to smile and say YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So I am proud to say I stayed on induction all week with the exception of adding nuts on the weekends. I really did expect a bigger loss since I was getting off my period, but beggars can’t be choosers.
The big addition that we got to help our diet this weekend is we got our foodsaver back from my in laws. You know, that little gadget that vacuum seals bags so you can freeze them and have them last longer without freezer burn?
I’m pretty excited to make up some bulk recipes this weekend and freeze them for the weeks ahead. As I always say, the trick to this diet is being prepared.
The other thing that I need to start doing is exercising. The book states plainly that exercise on this way of eating is NON NEGOTIABLE! For whatever reason when I was in my 20’s and did the diet for two years I got away with it. Must have had a high metabolism at that time I guess. Not so much now.
Having said that, next week I’ll be strapping on my sneakers for the first time since the 1/2 marathon in November. Yeah, that’s four months that I’ve been a slug. At first I used the excuse that my toenail had fallen off as a result of my poor planning for the marathon, but it’s already mostly grown back and it hasn’t hurt in about three months so yeah…no more excuses.
I’m not going to be doing any hardcore training by any stretch of the imagination, but I am going to get my butt moving. A mere 20 minute brisk walk on my lunch break should get me back in the game. Physically AND mentally.
While I have been feeling pretty good lately, I’m still lacking something to feel like my old self. I’ve been using essential oils at work and home to perk me up or calm me down and those work pretty well, there is an underlying feeling of restlessness that I can’t quite put my finger on. It occurred to me the other day that when I felt this in the past, going for a run helped out immensely. One run would put that feeling at bay for a couple of days at least. I need to get that mental stability back in my life in a big way. I’m not feeling all together bad or anything, I just feel a bit… off.
I’m pretty sure working out is the key to getting everything back together again.