265

265 pounds.

Let’s just let that sink in for a second shall we?  That was my weight as of Monday morning.  That is LESS than forty pounds away from being 300 pounds again.  It’s true that I don’t know how far above 300 I actually got at my heaviest because my scale broke (poor overworked thing!), but it doesn’t matter.

I feel every ounce of this weight gain.  In fact, some days I feel even heavier than I did at my highest weight.  I know that has a lot to do with age.  When I was 300 plus pounds before, I was in my early 20’s.  No real health worries other than that pesky high blood pressure.  Hello?  I was put on blood pressure meds when I was 26 years old, and I wasn’t concerned that much?  Hmph.

Anyhoo.  None of this news should surprise me because it’s not like I’ve been doing a whole lot to try to lose weight, let alone maintain my current weight.  I dabbled in low carb again for a minute, but had such a horrible attack of gastritis brought on my my diverticulitis from all the almond flower and broccoli I had eaten, that I didn’t dare to try again.  Really, wasn’t that just an excuse though?

Then it was all about the trip to Korea coming up.  No sense in dieting because we are going to eat whatever we want while we are there.  And after we got home it was just one excuse after another.

Truth be told, after 30 some odd years of dieting, I’m just TIRED of it!  It’s hard and I don’t like things to be difficult.  I like to be able to eat whatever I want and then lay about on the couch like a big slug and never have to worry about my health or how I look.

Yes, I am fully aware that is pretty much everyone’s dream as well, but at least I’m being honest.  And furthermore, I am so sick of working out.  I went on such a great stretch of running and training and I felt and looked great.  I don’t know where all my motivation has gone.  It makes me very sad and kind of disturbed.  Like I’m giving in to the depression that has always loomed heavy around me my whole life.  I hate it so much, yet I know exactly what I need to do to change it and I refuse.  I just can’t get out of my own head!

Having said that, I started the purification diet again on Monday.  It lasts 21 days, so I know it isn’t forever and I am familiar enough with it that I could sort of launch myself into it with little prep.  Not to mention the first time I did this diet, I lost 15 pounds in three weeks.  I’m not expecting the same results this time, but that would be nice.  😉

This time around there are many more recipes to keep variety alive on the SP website, so that is encouraging.  Sunday I made some vegetable soup that I have been eating for lunch the last two days.  Tonight I made some hummus made from homemade tahini, zucchini, olive oil, lemon juice and a couple other spices.  While it isn’t the hummus I know, it will be so nice to dip my veggies into something after eating them plain the last couple of days.

So I’m rounding down day two tonight and it hasn’t been easy at all.  In fact, I can’t tell you the number of times I have almost reached for some sort of food not on the diet just out of sheer habit, but I’m doing it.  I hope to add exercise soon, but I’m not going to push my luck just yet.

All I can do is keep trying right?  I’m still not feeling gung ho, or 100 percent on this, but I’m just putting one step in front of the other at this point.  Hopefully I will get where I need to be.