265 pounds.

Let’s just let that sink in for a second shall we?  That was my weight as of Monday morning.  That is LESS than forty pounds away from being 300 pounds again.  It’s true that I don’t know how far above 300 I actually got at my heaviest because my scale broke (poor overworked thing!), but it doesn’t matter.

I feel every ounce of this weight gain.  In fact, some days I feel even heavier than I did at my highest weight.  I know that has a lot to do with age.  When I was 300 plus pounds before, I was in my early 20’s.  No real health worries other than that pesky high blood pressure.  Hello?  I was put on blood pressure meds when I was 26 years old, and I wasn’t concerned that much?  Hmph.

Anyhoo.  None of this news should surprise me because it’s not like I’ve been doing a whole lot to try to lose weight, let alone maintain my current weight.  I dabbled in low carb again for a minute, but had such a horrible attack of gastritis brought on my my diverticulitis from all the almond flower and broccoli I had eaten, that I didn’t dare to try again.  Really, wasn’t that just an excuse though?

Then it was all about the trip to Korea coming up.  No sense in dieting because we are going to eat whatever we want while we are there.  And after we got home it was just one excuse after another.

Truth be told, after 30 some odd years of dieting, I’m just TIRED of it!  It’s hard and I don’t like things to be difficult.  I like to be able to eat whatever I want and then lay about on the couch like a big slug and never have to worry about my health or how I look.

Yes, I am fully aware that is pretty much everyone’s dream as well, but at least I’m being honest.  And furthermore, I am so sick of working out.  I went on such a great stretch of running and training and I felt and looked great.  I don’t know where all my motivation has gone.  It makes me very sad and kind of disturbed.  Like I’m giving in to the depression that has always loomed heavy around me my whole life.  I hate it so much, yet I know exactly what I need to do to change it and I refuse.  I just can’t get out of my own head!

Having said that, I started the purification diet again on Monday.  It lasts 21 days, so I know it isn’t forever and I am familiar enough with it that I could sort of launch myself into it with little prep.  Not to mention the first time I did this diet, I lost 15 pounds in three weeks.  I’m not expecting the same results this time, but that would be nice.  😉

This time around there are many more recipes to keep variety alive on the SP website, so that is encouraging.  Sunday I made some vegetable soup that I have been eating for lunch the last two days.  Tonight I made some hummus made from homemade tahini, zucchini, olive oil, lemon juice and a couple other spices.  While it isn’t the hummus I know, it will be so nice to dip my veggies into something after eating them plain the last couple of days.

So I’m rounding down day two tonight and it hasn’t been easy at all.  In fact, I can’t tell you the number of times I have almost reached for some sort of food not on the diet just out of sheer habit, but I’m doing it.  I hope to add exercise soon, but I’m not going to push my luck just yet.

All I can do is keep trying right?  I’m still not feeling gung ho, or 100 percent on this, but I’m just putting one step in front of the other at this point.  Hopefully I will get where I need to be.

Let’s talk about chafing shall we?

Okay, so it’s no secret that I am a big girl.  And being a big girl, I have big arms, funny how that works.  Something I discovered early on in my running training is that when I run for more than two days in a row I get a nasty chafing underneath my arms in my armpit area.  It was something I just came to accept.  I hated it and it hurt.  It made me not want to go for my runs, but it was just something I had to accept.  Years of running came at a price of not being able to rest my arms properly without pain.

Recently, my husband told that he switches out his deodorants every so often because he feels that after a while, his body gets used to one brand and it just stops working as well.  This isn’t something he hasn’t told me before, but I usually don’t pay much attention because I was raised on Secret deodorant that tells you it is PH balanced so your body doesn’t get used to it.

I don’t like the smell of most deodorants.  I think they smell like bathrooms and that doesn’t thrill me.  Secret came out with a vanilla scented one a few years back and I fell in love with it.  It appears that they are discontinuing it, so about two weeks ago I was at the grocery store and decided to look for something new.

41cw42JTlGLIt didn’t smell too bad and it promised to keep my underarms moisturized.  I threw it in my cart.

Well, I have to say I’m a total convert.  It not only keeps me from stinking better than my old favorite Secret, but I’ve been running consistently the past two weeks and I have not had ONE problem with the usual painful chafing.  This is a pretty huge deal for me since I used to put off going on a run because of the inability to put my arms down without pain after.  I LOVE this product!!!

In other news, I’ve been running pretty regularly, whether I want to or not.  It has helped immensely with the work stress I’ve been having lately and it really calms me down after.  I don’t think I would have survived this week without it.  I have hated every step of the way some days, but I always feel amazing after.

The Wharf to Wharf is a week away and while I haven’t gotten a LOT of distance in, I’m more confident in myself than I was the last time I ran it.  It’s going to hurt, I have no doubt about that, but my only goal is just to finish before the truck comes by to clear the road.

My food intake has not been so good.  Yesterday, after rehearsal I hit the store and stocked up on a LOT of frozen diet dinners.  The Lean Cuisines and generics of that sort of brand to try and help.  I’m going to be going into rehearsals of my current play and I’m hoping it will make it easier on my husband for not having to cook every night and also easier on me for actually having some sort of portion control.  I know it’s a lot of sodium but I’m hoping I can just use this as a sort of jump start.

That’s pretty much all I have to report for right now.


I was diagnosed with Dysmenorrhea when I was fifteen years old. After missing at least one day of school a month because I was at home throwing up due to the extreme pain of my menstrual cramps, my mother finally cracked and took me in to get checked. I was put on birth control pills shortly after even though I was not sexually active because we were told the hormones in the pills would make my periods easier and boy did they! After three years of knowing I would be down for the count on a monthly basis, I was able to get my life back.

When I had my gallbladder removed a few years later I was checked out for Endometriosis but was told that it was a negative. She said I had beautiful ovaries. That reaffirmed the diagnosis of Dysmenorrhea, but all was good because I was on the pill, and life was golden.

As I got older and developed a nasty smoking habit I was less likely to want to take the pill due to the warning notices, and I eventually stopped taking them.

The cramps and symptoms came back almost immediately, and I was back to square one. This time I was missing work instead of school. Not cool, as I never got paid for going to school, but I did for work.

I quit smoking over a year ago, but now that I’m much higher up there in age the risk of stroke is still there. And to be honest, I had a system down. At the first sign of cramps, I would take a couple Advil, and it would usually snuff them out pretty well, as long as I got them right at the first twinge. I’d have all the other symptoms, but as long as I wasn’t puking from the pain I was able to live my day to day life.

It was on the days when the cramps snuck up on me while I was sleeping that were bad. If I wasn’t able to get the Advil into my system right away then nothing short of vomiting for awhile and then falling asleep would help. And honestly, there were days when the Advil just didn’t work. Thankfully these days were few and far between.

I had another bad day today. I’d been spotting for the last couple of days with some minor cramps. We went to my in-laws for breakfast and had a good time, but the cramps were starting to manifest at the tail end of the visit.

In true Kelly fashion I just hoped it was nothing and tried my best to ignore it, having no Advil on me and not wanting to cause a fuss. I took some when we got home, but it was too late.

Thankfully, I only threw up once and was able to put myself to bed with more Advil and a heating pad for an hour and a half. I only dozed in and out for a little while, but it was enough. I woke feeling a bit queasy still but with no more pain.

I’m not really sure why I’m writing about this right now. This isn’t my main journal where I pour most of my crazies onto the interwebs. I think it started as an excuse to validate why I only got a two mile run in over a three day weekend. I think though, in the end, it’s more of a means to get the word Dysmenorrhea out in the public a little more.

I think a lot of women have it and don’t even realize it is a health condition.

When I was a kid, I had no idea what was wrong with me. I’m certain my teachers and peers all thought I was faking since I hated school anyway. Great excuse…no one can actually PROVE you have cramps right?

When I was finally diagnosed, I had a name, but had no idea what it meant other than I could get birth control pills approved by my mom’s insurance.

As an older adult when it started to effect me again there was this glorious thing called the internet. I was able to type in the word and pull up the exact description of what had plagued me my whole life, print it out and show people.

The thing is; I still felt like no one really believed me. “Yeah Kelly, you get bad cramps, join the club. Isn’t Mother Nature a bitch? Do you actually think it warrants missing work?”

It might just be my own little paranoid mind; most things are. Sometimes I just get very worked up about something, and having to explain myself month after month to people that don’t understand or “get it” starts to piss me off.

This entry has nothing to do with weight loss, but it has everything to do with me freeing myself from the guilt I feel on a somewhat monthly basis when I simply cannot function without a heating pad and a puke bucket.

At any rate, it made me feel a little better to write it.

Weigh In and Thoughts on Exercise and Depression

Weight on 6/12/14:                 255
Weight this morning:              250.4
Total loss:                                   -4.6 pounds!

For not dieting, I’d say I’m pretty proud of myself.
Like I said in the last entry, I’m trying to make better choices but I am by no stretch of the imagination counting calories/carbs/points right now.
In the weeks following my birthday(May 30th) I was making some very poor choices and, as a result, I gained those four pounds I just lost, but more than that I felt like total crap, and my blood pressure was the highest it has been in many many years. Like, since I was put on BP meds when I was 26 years old and 300+ pounds. That scared me. A lot.
The good news is that this week of working out for four consecutive days in a row(another mile and a half today!) have brought my blood pressure back down, and I have to say I feel pretty amazing.
This is not new information. I know how great I feel right after I work out. However, it has been well over a year since I exercised regularly enough for it to effect me even longer than the immediate endorphins.
This week I have been going to bed earlier and sleeping better than I have in a very long time. My mood has improved by leaps and bounds. I have been fighting depression a lot the last two years and it had gotten to the point where I just accepted it. I didn’t even notice that it was effecting those around me. I can’t even imagine being my husband and having to put up with me coming home in a foul mood every single day, not wanting to talk only shutting down and wallowing in my own self-pity.
I have felt like a completely different person since I have been exercising. It’s almost shocking. A complete 180 degree turn. I know this sounds like I’m gushing, and I guess I am – but if you have ever lived your life in the dark tunnel of depression, it’s amazing that all I had to do was get out and walk in the sunshine for a half an hour a day.
I’m sure that I knew that back when I was training for the half marathons the first couple of times, and that would make sense because I wasn’t struggling with the depression back then. Not sure if I connected the two things at the time because it’s been a long time since the depression was so encompassing as it has been lately.
I need to make sure I remember this. Hopefully, I won’t need to since I hope to keep on trucking with the exercise.

Wharf to Wharf

Its been awhile…
Well, with the injury to my IT Band I haven’t been doing much in the way of exercise. I did the stationary bike but its not the same. It doesn’t give me the same reaction that running does. I’m sitting still, spinning and watching TV inside my house. When I’m running, I am outside in the sunshine and fresh air moving all of my body. Its just so much better.
And as my exercise was not happening, neither was my tracking. The two went hand in hand with me. I no longer felt excited about the weight loss and eating good foods. I did a lot of small cheating and the end result as of last weeks weigh in was a six pound gain. Yeah.
But all my resting my IT band DID pay off and I was able to run/walk the Wharf to Wharf last Sunday! I only ran on the downhills because I wasn’t sure how my knee was going to hold up but I managed to shave 17 minutes off last years time, finishing in 1 hour and 41 minutes by their time. As anyone who has ever ran or walked a large race you know that it takes you quite a while to get to the start line once the timer starts ESPECIALLY if you are a walker because you are more towards the back of the pack. I started my own timer when I crossed the start line and my time from start to finish was 1 hour and 35 minutes. Six miles in 1 hour and 35 minutes!! That is HUGE for me. I was over the moon happy with that.
For those that aren’t familiar with this particular race it is called the Wharf to Wharf because you run from the Wharf in Santa Cruz to the Wharf in Capitola. Its a one way race so at the finish line you walk up to a large parking area where they get everyone on a bus that shuttle you back to Santa Cruz where your car is located.
It is also a very fun race because it has over 40 bands placed throughout the race course that you get to listen to as you run by.
For the last three years my husband(a guitarist) has been one of those bands. He always plays at the same location of mile 4.5.
Last year I took the shuttle back to Santa Cruz and had him come pick me up there after the race was done. That was just crummy. After walking the six miles you go down to the beach to get your prize packet and then hike up a big old hill to stand around in sandy shoes on sore feet for at least an hour while they get everyone on these shuttles. Ick.
So this year we figured that it would actually be easier for me to walk back to where Rob had been playing. I figured that my feet wouldn’t start hurting as long as I kept moving and what the heck, I had already walked six miles, what is another 1 and a half?? :-)
So that is what I did. I was wrong about my feet though. As soon as I slowed my pace they started to hurt and the blisters that had developed were making themselves known. But I did it! So Sunday I walked/ran 7.5 miles!
After I got to the car I did my IT band stretches but didn’t do any other ones. Why would I? I hadn’t injured any of them! Ha!!! Monday morning I could BARELY MOVE!!
You have to figure that I hadn’t run or walked in at least two weeks or so prior to this and then I pushed my body farther than I ever had but didn’t stretch after. Smart.
Everyone at work had a good laugh as I hobbled around like a 90 year old woman but I didn’t mind. It was just a testimony to the fact that I did the best I had ever done on a race and I was proud of myself.
The great news is that of all the things that hurt on my body, my knee was not one of them. I didn’t hurt my IT band! It is healed! Game on! Tomorrow I start back on my walking routine at lunches and the diet goes back into full effect!
In other news I am going to be participating in a local theaters production of Repo! The Genetic Opera. I auditioned Tuesday and I’m in. We have our second meeting tonight. The schedule is going to be pretty tight. Rehearsals are Tuesday through Friday from 6-9 PM, Saturdays from 11-4 and the occasional Sunday. So most days it will be from work straight to rehearsal then home and bed. Good thing I don’t have a social life. :-)
The good thing is that Rob is also in the play as the guitarist in the band so we can car pool. Also the tight schedule should limit my evening snacking so that will be a bonus. And as long as I stick to my walk/running on my lunch breaks I will not be lacking in the exercise because of the play so yay!

Oh and in case you are wondering, I lost 2 pounds this week and plan on getting back to my 10 percent goal by next week.


Get the Funk Out

I’ve been in a funk.  Ever since I hurt my leg I’ve been bummed.  The 10K is in less than a week and I can’t run it.  I will walk it but I don’t want to do any further damage so I’m not going to attempt even a jog.
So all I’ve been thinking about lately is how far I had come only to be stopped.  I was really looking forward to seeing how far I could run in the 10K and have been really down on myself because I can’t do it now.
Last night my husband sat me down and we had a talk.  Basically he is sick of the pity party and he had some very valid points.
He brought it to my attention how I have lost focus on why I originally started working out.  It was never about running a half marathon.  It wasn’t about running anything.  It was to help with my weight loss and because it made me feel better.
I’ve gotten so tunnel vision about numbers and distances and run times that I have lost sight of why I started in the first place.
I’m crying over the fact that I can’t run a 10K when 3 months ago I couldn’t run for more than 60 seconds at a time!  I’ve come a long way in a short time and my body is telling me to slow it down.  I may want to do well in races but the act of getting healthy itself is NOT A RACE.  There will always be a 5K or a 10K looming on the horizon that I can sign up for.  And let’s not forget the half marathon in December.  But the benefits of the exercise will last me a lifetime.
It’s so easy to lose sight of the little things that are the most important and that is what I have been doing.
So what if I don’t run any part of the upcoming 10K?  Is the world going to end?  Of course not!  The only thing that is going to happen is that it will just take me a little longer to do it because I’ll be walking.  Not that big of a deal is it?  No! I am doing great and no one can take that away from me, not even myself.  :D
In other news I headed over to Big 5 this noon and got myself a foam roller.
A while back when I was seeing the chiropractor regularly he recommended one for my back and I blew it off.  Since then Lisa has been singing it’s praises and that has made me pretty curious.  The final straw was when my runner sister in law told me it would really help my IT band.  Okay, I’m sold!  I tried it out really briefly when I got back to work and it really feels pretty good.  I’ll do it more extensively when I get home and update at a later date but I have high hopes for this thing.  :-)

I.T. Band Ickiness

A huge thank you to Lisa for commenting in my last entry about my knee/leg pain.  She said that knee pain in runners is usually having to do with an IT Band issue.  I did a quick google search and sure enough I have a textbook case of Iliotibial band syndrome.  What a freaking bummer.

It totally makes sense because I didn’t do anything for four days and then did two 30 minute runs without a proper warm up.  Normally I walk for at least five minutes before I run but lately I’ve been shortening the time and the last run I didn’t even walk for a full minute before launching into my run.  Stupid impatient me!  Also my pelvis has been known to tilt in the past and leave one leg shorter than the other so that might be happening again too.  Gotta make an appointment with my chiropractor next week.

So I’m bummed and totally self loathing because it is my own fault when my husband says: “But this is great news!”

Um, yeah…on what planet??

He proceeded to explain that we know the issue and it can be resolved.  It isn’t a pinched nerve like I first thought and it isn’t something that may sideline me from running altogether.  It is a completely treatable issue that won’t cost us anything to fix.  I just need to rest it and make sure I do everything correctly in the future when I do run.

As usual, my husband is right(don’t you hate that??)  I just need to rest.  I need to NOT stress about the upcoming 10K because there is nothing I can do about it.  I will walk it and it will be good practice for the wharf to wharf.

I remember Brooke had an entry fairly recently where the same thing had happened to her so I emailed her and she gave me some helpful advice and insight on the whole thing.  I am so absolutely grateful for the weight loss/fitness blog community.  In just two days I was able to diagnose and find treatment for a condition that was very mysterious to me and it is all thanks to the blogs and twitterverse.  Thanks guys!!  :-D

At any rate, I was going to attempt a walk today but it is still hurting quite a bit so I passed.  The hardest part is going to be forcing myself to take time off walk/running.  It has just done so much for my body and my mind, but I know I have to let my body heal or I’m just going to make it worse and be off my feet even longer.  Don’t you hate it when you have no one to blame but yourself?  Hmph.

Oh well, can’t change it now.  So I will be icing and stretching for a while and I’ll update with progress as it happens.

Oh and I just discovered Naan Bread and Hummus.  This can’t be good for my weight loss.  Hehehehe.



I work for a man that writes a health newsletter that promotes all natural type things and he has been doing it over 25 years. He recommends lots of different combination of all natural vitamins for all kinds of different ailments. In the five years I have worked here I have never had a real need to follow any of them.
When I first started running I was getting very sore in my knees, hips and ankles. Understandable since I had and still do have a lot of weight pounding down on my joints.
I decided to follow his joint pain protocol and eventually the pain did subside. I was never sure however, if the vitamins were working or if my body had just gotten used to the running.
Ever since then I have been breaking out quite a bit on my face. Not even really acne but more like a light rash around my nose. Dry spots that were easily prone to irritation.
I knew it either had to be from the running or the supplements. Well I wasn’t about to stop running since it was doing wonders in the way of shrinking my body and lowering my blood pressure and such so I decided to go without the supplements for a couple of weeks and see if that made a difference.
It takes a few days to get the supplements out of your system and I continued to run on those few days, taking care to wash my face thoroughly after each run. Then I got sidelined by my period, car problems and my own laziness and didn’t run for four days. When I resumed this past Tuesday I ran for 30 minutes and was struck by a pain in my thigh as soon as I stopped. Throughout the rest of the day the pain traveled from my hip to my thigh to my knee and back.
That night I soaked in Epsom salts and used icy/hot and then it went away.
Wednesday I set out to walk the loop, only walking because I didn’t want to cause anything else to happen to it and was only able to walk part of it due to the pain coming back on the uphills after I attempted a power walk.
Thursday I was paranoid enough just to only take a mild stroll down to the cul de sac and back just to get some sunshine. My leg felt pretty okay with that and so today I decided I would attempt a run again since we had to be at work early again.
I stretched and started out. It was hurting a bit but I soon got into the groove and it was fine. After 30 minutes of running I stopped and headed out Starbucks to get my reward for my early morning run(tall skinny caramel latte–2 points!) and as soon as I put weight on my foot after sitting in the car the pain was there and it was intense! After three steps it was fine again. This went on all morning and now it is finally starting to ease off.
So my question is, was my supplement regimen actually working and keeping away any joint/muscle pain the whole time Ive been running or do I have something seriously wrong with my right leg?
I don’t have an answer obviously but I started taking the vitamin protocol again today and will continue to see if it helps. I can deal with bad skin but Ill be danged if I’m going to stop running!
My other theory is that I have a pinched nerve in my back.
I had one once, years ago when I was at my heaviest. We had just spent a week in England I can only assume I got it from falling asleep in a sitting position on the plane for a long amount of time. The symptoms are kind of similar in the way that the pain happens as soon as I try to put weight on that leg after sitting for an extended period of time and then it goes away as I start walking. I don’t remember it traveling to other locations though. It was very painful but it was usually located to one spot on my leg. I also remember getting a numbness in that area for a couple of days before the pain started and I don’t recall that happening this time around. I DO remember getting a fluttering sensation in my hip/inner thigh area for a couple of days before this started though, not sure if it is related.
Back then my doctor gave me some stretching exercises and told me it would work itself out, and eventually it did.
The problem I have with that is my I have 2 10 Ks next month and I want to be 100% for both of them. I also don’t want to do any more damage by running through the pain. Ug. I’m just at odds right now.

I guess all I can do is take my supplements and see if it makes a difference. If it doesn’t I guess a trip to the chiropractor is in order. Pffffftt

Edited to add: The pain is now mostly in my knee.  Please comment if you have any advice or suggestions or are familiar with this sort of thing at all.  Thanks!!!!!!!!


Running–The New Anti Depressant!

Okay so when I last left you dear readers I had a raging case of PMS and was being very down on myself for not running.
It seems the two are related.  I took four days off of running and was miserable all four days.  Like seriously falling into a depression.  I have also noticed this on my days off in the past, I just never let it go passed one day off usually before I start running again.
Well what started with my usual Friday off extended through Saturday and Sunday due to my period and really bad cramps but I had every intention of getting back to my lunchtime runs at work on Monday.
The universe had other plans for me.
At any rate, it may be working for the best right now since we are down to one car and this is the end of quarter at Rob’s work I have to get up early and come in an hour early every day this week.  Perfect time to get my run in while I have nothing else to do and it is nice and foggy and cool out!
So today I started back up after four days and was able to run for 30 whole minutes–a new record for me.  I was running about a 13.5 minute mile, just a light jog really but since I was doing it more for endurance than distance or intensity it was perfect.  I was very proud of myself and to further the proof that I need to exercise to feel better(duh really?) I was in a good mood all day.
It’s so odd to me that I’ve been on anti-depressants for most of my adult life and all along I could have just taken up running??  :-D   Don’t get me wrong, I am not about to leap off my prescription or anything and I know it isn’t that easy but it is nice to know when I find myself falling into a funk that a quick jog might be able to perk me out of it.  I will experiment more and report back later!
The bad news is that I think I may have overdone it a bit today.  As I was finishing up my run I felt my hips start to hurt a little. Soon after I discovered my right thigh in the front was really stiff and sore when I stepped on it after sitting for a bit.  I iced it for awhile at my desk and after walking on it a bit it was fine but it would still flare up after I had been sitting a while.  It also changed position from my thigh into my knee for a bit than back to my thigh.  The thing that kind of bothers me is that it almost is reminding me of when I had a pinched nerve in the way the pain is changing position and acting in general.
I bought some icy-hot on the way home so I think I am going to go draw a hot bath and then use some of that to see if it helps at all.
So tell me, do you get depressed on the days you don’t work out?



If I have any men that read this blog, you might want to skip this entry.  It deals with that subject that most men find icky.  The monthly cycle that makes us women able to create a life…or as I call it since I am never going to have kids: “the completely unnecessary once a month painful bleeding session that makes me crave a hysterectomy.”

Ever since I “became a woman” and was blessed with the ability to create a life I want nothing to do with, I have had very painful cramps.  I’m not talking “take a midol and get over it” cramps, I’m talking “miss a day of school/work because I am throwing up uncontrollably due to pain” cramps.

At fifteen I was diagnosed with Dysmenorrhea and put on birth control pills.  Glory Be Hallelujah  they worked and I was able to resume a normal life.

Somewhere along the way I stopped taking them.  I don’t remember when or why…it might have been when I was too old to be on my mothers insurance.  Because the cramps were caused by a health condition the pills were covered by insurance so that might have been part of it.  At any rate I stopped taking them and the pain eventually came back.

As I gained more and more weight my periods became very irregular.  I would go for months without a period and then bleed for a couple of weeks and then go another three months with nothing.  After the initial pregnancy scare, I didn’t miss my period at all.  It was quite nice to go a long time without a period but when it finally showed up it was HEAVY and it HURT!  But being the kind of person I am, when the period disappeared I would put the pain to the back of my mind until it started up again so I didn’t go to the doctor about it.

Fast forward to me losing about 50 pounds and my periods regulated to once a month again.  Now that it was a regular occurrence again and at my husbands insisting I saw my doctor about getting on the pill again.  She said no.  See, I had this little nasty smoking habit and rightfully so, she did not feel right about putting me on the pill given the increased chance of blood clots in smokers at my age.  She told me if I quit smoking she would gladly write me a scrip but she had actually seen it happen to her patients that were smokers so she was gun shy.

So that was that.  I learned to live with it.  I have  system, and if it works correctly I don’t have that much trouble with the cramps.  If I catch it at the first twinge and preload with Advil, I can avoid major pain and function like a normal person.  Sometimes however, the cramps start while I am sleeping and I either don’t wake up or I am too tired to get out of bed to go get the advil and that is when the trouble starts.  I used to keep an advil on my bedside table until my dog decided it looked tasty and that was the end of that.

I have quit smoking for the most part but I will have an occasional cigarette(Vegas anyone???) and I’m so paranoid of blood clots that I never re approached the subject of birth control pills.  So I live with it.

If you haven’t guessed I am on my period this weekend.  And I have done nothing.

I had such plans for this weekend.  I was going to go to the track and try to walk/run a 10K and I was excited about it!  I was going to go dress shopping for our vow renewal.  I was going to go out to breakfast with Rob and his parents for Father’s Day.

I woke up on Saturday with cramps in full swing.  I took my advil and Rob put me back to bed.  He said I had an hour to sleep and let the advil work before I had to get up and get ready for the breakfast with my father in law.  I couldn’t get back to sleep but I tried.  Finally I got up and hauled myself in the shower and got dressed but I was miserable.  As we were about to head out the door I just couldn’t do it.  I knew I would be no kind of company and I wouldn’t be able to eat anything so tearfully I asked if Rob minded if I stayed home.  Of course he didn’t, he understood and put me back to bed before leaving for breakfast.

Part of the system I have when I get bad cramps is to sleep.  If I can get to sleep, even for a half an hour, the cramps and nausea are usually gone when I wake up.  No such luck yesterday.  I read in bed to try and get my eyes tired but I just couldn’t fall asleep because I had to keep running to the bathroom every fifteen minutes or so(yes, not only am I gifted with pain, heavy bleeding and nausea but I also get diarrhea.  Nice.)  Finally I got up and got a bucket to bring to bed with me, the throwing up portion was inevitable.  After one round with the bucket, Rob came home and I was starting to feel a bit better but since I never fell asleep I was still left with an overall sense of ickiness.

I was starving but the thought of food repulsed me.  Rob had brought home some food for me so I chose the least offensive thing(a biscuit) and ate a tiny portion of it before laying back down.  A few minutes later my stomach woke up and demanded more food so I had a little more and some diet sprite to settle the stomach.

To make a very long story short (too late!), I have not counted my food this weekend and I have certainly not walked or run.  While I think being in pain like I get is a legitimate excuse for taking the weekend off, I still feel horrible about it.

My 10 K is in two weeks and while I know I can easily walk it I was hoping to be more prepared with the running and this was a wasted weekend.  I feel useless and guilty and just blah.

Tomorrow I will start anew and all that but today?  Today I feel like a failure.