Small Steps

So I weighed in on Friday and that weight was a whopping 272.4.  That is so scarily close to 300 that I’m floored and frightened.  However, I feel that I’m in a good place right now and making good decisions.
The husband is on board for the diet.  I just ordered some meal prep containers from Amazon.  I need to buckle down and learn my choreography for the play I’m in so that means automatic cardio every night after work that I’m not at rehearsal.  I’ve dusted off my fitbit that I bought but never used because it was just too depressing.  Most of all, I just finally feel that spark of motivation again.  I’ve gone so long without it that I was beginning to think I would never get it back.
Hubs and I just booked a quick weekend trip to Vegas in May for our birthdays last night.  That gives me a bit of a goal.  I’d like to lose about 20 pounds before the trip.  I think that is fair.  20 pounds in 3 months is fairly doable if I step up my game right?
Anyhoo, it makes me excited to be excited, if that makes any sense at all.  🙂
We had rehearsal tonight and I stopped at the gas station for a large bottle of water as I usually do.  I also usually grab some sort of bad snack to have at said rehearsal.  Some sort of muffin or pastry because this “gas station” gets really good baked goods delivered daily. 
Today I looked for something to eat, but couldn’t justify the calories at all knowing I had packed a banana, a nectarine and a small page of rice cake chips in my backpack before I left the house.  So I just bought the water and left.  I had the nectarine and the banana at the rehearsal but didn’t have time to eat the chips.
I call that a small victory, wouldn’t you?
My fitbit is charging as I type.  My husband made yummy veggie and chicken omelets for dinner and I’m looking forward to starting a new way of life.  🙂


Youtube account

So I created a youtube account for my verbal diarrhea.  🙂

If you want to check it out, here is the link.

Many years ago, I used to have a cooking show on youtube called Lo Carb Cafe.  I had forgotten how much I enjoyed hosting that, but with not being able to eat low carb anymore, there wasn’t much reason to keep up with the show.
My current channel will just be me chronicling my new weight loss journey and my hopeful progress.

I went grocery shopping today and got all kinds of veggies and good starches.  Tonight I ordered some meal prep containers from amazon and I’m looking forward to prepping a bunch of meals and not having to worry about what my husband is making for dinner while I’m at rehearsal.  🙂

Most of all, I’m just really excited for losing weight again.  It’s been a long time since I felt any motivation, so this is huge.


Fresh Starts (taken from a new at the time blog)

Stale.  Stuck.  Scared.  Apathetic . Failure.

These are all the things I have been feeling lately about my lack of weight loss  and fitness.  And life in general for that matter, which of course is a direct result of feeling like a big fat blob that has zero motivation or willpower to do anything about it.

Fresh starts are good.  I think that is what I need.   I hope that is what I need.

I have always had a weight problem.  Ever since I emerged from my mothers womb.  Mom loves to tell the story of how I could barely open my eyes because my cheeks were so full and fat.  Also, how she and my father were afraid I wouldn’t be able to walk due to the excessive amount of leg chub I had.  (I still have that!) To be fair, the odds were stacked against me in the genetics department as both my parents and most our extended family also had weight issues.

I have yo yo dieted with the best of them.   You name the diet or fad and I have tried it, even if only for a day or so.

Spending every single second of every day freaking out about everything I put in my mouth.  I also exercised obsessively.  Cardio three times a day while following a 1200 calorie diet worked really well but made me a little nutty in my head.  Also, I was unemployed and had time to do all that exercise as well as counting and recounting calories all day long.

Gallstones worked really well for me as well.  I couldn’t eat an ounce of fat or I would have a gallbladder attack.  Anyone who has ever had one of those, knows how painful it is and why you would avoid it at all costs.  I lived on cereal and fat free milk for two months until I could get my surgery and lost about 25 pounds.  Of course once that little sucker was out of my body, I made up for those two months by eating double of what I would have eaten sans stones, and gained it all back.

Low carb works.  I know that because I did it for two years straight and lost 80 pounds.  That is how I lost the bulk of my weight after topping off at a size 30/5x.  It really does.  However, once I went off for one little cheat, I could NOT reign it back in.  I realize that is my problem and not anyone elses.   I have tried it again and again over the years and it still works, however due to a serious case of diverticulitis I can not longer continue on that way of eating.  In order to make the diet have a good variety for me I need to use almond flour/nuts and a heavy hand of veggies that my stomach can no longer tolerate…possibly because of:

Bulimia with a side of laxative addiction…now that one really worked!  Got me down to a size 8.  It also got me $25,000 worth of ongoing dental work, a f*cked up esophagus and stomach problems that still plague me twenty years later.

In the end it turns out that a healthy balance of working out and eating healthy can really do the trick.  Who knew?

My last venture into the weight loss lifestyle had me down into a weight where I was comfortable.  Not thin by any stretch of the imagination, but I was happy with how I felt and looked in a size 18.  That was when I was training for my 1st ½ marathon.  I felt good and I looked good, at least in my opinion.  I was terrified of the marathon so I trained really hard.  I lost a bunch of weight and my mood was super improved by the running and exercise.  I didn’t even have to diet that strictly, just make better choices.  However, once I ran the marathon and realized that I could really just walk the whole thing the next time and not kill myself with training…well you can guess what happened.  I did four half marathons in five years, the last one I didn’t even bother to train for and nearly wrecked myself.  The fun of running marathons had lost its shine and I basically haven’t really worked out since.

I have been eating whatever I want and not working out for quite some time now.  I feel like a sloth.  I have gained a lot of weight, yet have zero motivation to do anything about it.

My aha moment started at our company Christmas party this year.  I had been fairly successful at avoiding the camera for a while now.  Aside from vacation shots where I would pose and or hide behind someone to camouflage myself.   Well, during the White Elephant gift exchange my friend grabbed my phone and snapped some shots of me opening my present.  When I uploaded all the pics from the party I was horrified with what I saw.   I am dangerously close to getting back up to my highest weight.  The weight where my husband had to tie my shoes for me.  The weight where I was on the cusp of not being able to take care of myself hygienically.  This was frightening.

Moreover, I need to address the depression that has gripped me in the past year  and hasn’t let me go.  It might even have extended longer than a year, but who can tell anymore.  I am unhappy.  I am fat.  I am showing all the classic symptoms of sleep apnea.  I am out of breath after walking a block and my back is hurting ALL THE TIME from supporting the girth of my belly.
I no longer want to do the things that used to bring me joy.  Theater, exercise, hanging out with friends…that last one is really key.  I don’t want people to see how huge I have gotten.  You can call it stupid, but it’s true.  I don’t want to see anyone I haven’t seen in a year or so because they are going to see how far I’ve let myself spiral out of control.  I’m just not happy with myself.

So here I am, putting myself out there.  I don’t have much of a plan.  I only have a glimmer of hope that I might be able to drag myself up from this mire of self hate and basically self mutilation.  I want to feel free again.

Here goes.

Day Three of Purification

So today was day three.  I know I am not supposed to weigh myself every day, but it’s what I do.  According to the scale this morning I was down 3 pounds.  In two days.

Now before I brag too hard, I know that is all water weight.  The reason I know this, is because I have been peeing like crazy!  I told my co workers that I found out the reason you lose weight on the purification program is because of all the walking you do to and from the bathroom!  Heh.  I’ll take it either way.  I don’t think I have ever not accepted a loss on the scale in my 42 years on the planet.  Even food poisoning and the flu offered a silver lining.

If you are looking for more info on the program I am following, feel free to click here.  It should pull up a PDF file of the guide book that you use to follow this diet.

Today I finally started to feel pretty good.  I still want to eat the world, but I’m getting better at being more prepared for my food during the day at work.  I felt I turned a corner today as far as my energy increasing and feeling better overall. The first two days I was VERY lethargic and had zero motivation to do anything.  I noticed that around four in the afternoon I had much less of that bottomed out feeling I usually have, even when I’m not dieting.  I’m not attributing that to the diet, I’m just observing.

That is what a lot of my entries are going to be like over the next few days.  I failed to write down my observations the first time I did this program and I regret that.  So I’m going to make up for it by putting way too much information on to the interwebs and making people sick of reading it.  You’re welcome!

Another observation is that my poop is orange.  I know that is from the amount of yams and carrots and butternut squash I am consuming, but it made me laugh tonight when I looked into the bowl.  Come on, you know we ALL look into the bowl before flushing…you never know what kind of masterpiece you might have created!

I want to say that my skin looks a little bit clearer.  I think that might be just a placebo effect at this stage in the game, but I know for sure that it is no where near as oily as it usually gets on a day to day basis.  Another win that I will gladly accept.

What I am finding also in the last two nights, is that I eat earlier than normal because I’m pretty hungry and then as a result I go to bed earlier.  Not necessarily to sleep, but to retire and read or play on my phone.  Things I normally do sitting up on the couch, but since I am doing them laying down the chance of sleep comes a bit earlier.  Well, that and I’ve been so tired from detoxing from carbs and sugar.

Day three went pretty well I think.  Next entry, I will talk about the few recipes I have found that make it a bit more bearable this time around.

1st Weigh In

Okay, I know that I started the diet on Monday but I want my weigh in days to be on Fridays so I decided to cut my first week on the diet short and just go ahead and weigh in today.
I lost 2.4 pounds.  Not bad for (technically) four days on the diet.  Not quite the dramatic loss I was looking for and usually get from low carb but given that I just started my period yesterday, I feel pretty darn good with the results.
Not gonna lie, I was hoping for at least five pounds, and that still might be achieved on Monday which would have been an actual whole week but at this point I will take what I can get.  As long as I am not gaining and still show a loss, I can’t really complain.
Tonight would normally be my “cheat night” on any diet that I would follow.  The weigh in day was followed by a cheat day that usually morphed into two or three days.  The reason for that being that after a week of cooking and measuring, I just want to grab take out and come home where I can relax for one night where I don’t have to worry about what is for dinner.
Tonight after work I swung by KFC and got a bucket of grilled chicken and two large sides of green beans.  Problem solved.  I’m not caring as much about staying within my 20 carbs today but I’m not eating anything that isn’t on induction, so it’s KIND OF a cheat.

So earlier this week my boss’ wife had come into the office (she has her own office there and is in quite often) and I mentioned I was low carbing.  She got really excited and said she wanted to do it too.  That we could be our own support system.  I gave her my email and told her to go to the Atkin’s Website and since then we have been emailing back and forth.  I’ve been giving her different websites to look up recipes and such and we’ve been exchanging our progress.
This morning I got to work and there was a plate covered with aluminum foil and a card taped to the top on my desk.  I opened it and there was a plate of beautifully arranged smoked turkey roll ups with cheddar, cilantro and a dash of cayenne pepper arranged in a fan with a hard boiled egg in the middle.  I wish I had taken a picture, it was garnished with more cilantro and little flower blossoms.  So sweet!
The card told of her progress and that this was just a little treat for me.  How adorable is that?  Also, TASTY as all get out!

Tomorrow will be another challenge as we will be having an early dinner with my in laws.  I’m thinking we do our favorite Mexican restaurant and get the combo fajitas with no tortillas.  Just meat and veggies.  Sounds good to me!

Back to Low Carb

So last Monday, The Hubs and I went back on low carb.  It was rather a spur of the moment decision that Friday night but it had been something I had been secretly thinking about for awhile.

For whatever excuse I want to tell myself, I just can’t seem to get myself focused and stay on WW.  I have been gaining and losing the same five pounds for the better part of a year now and I can’t take it anymore.  That and my blood pressure has been elevated.  I know that is stress related.  I’ve got a lot of crap going on in my personal life right now but that is neither here nor there.  When I low carb and exercise my blood pressure goes down.

I know that you have to exercise on low carb which is where I pretty much failed the last few times I did it.  Well, what better time to get back on it than when I am training for a 1/2 marathon.  I HAVE to get my exercise in.

Now having made the decision to drastically change our eating habits two days before we actually did it may have been a little ambitious.  Given that we had committed to a late face making class that would tie up our Monday and Wednesday night, we would have to shopped and cooked very well for the week.  We didn’t so much.

On Saturday I got some bad news from back home that sort of floored me for the entire weekend.  I did manage to cook a bit, but we were not prepared for the week to start at all.

That being said, we did quite well.

However, I learned from my mistake and when I grocery shopped this week I got tons of convenience stuff:


photo 1

These looked super handy to snack on when we are at work and tempted by donuts and bagels that get brought in.

photo 2

I don’t do well with sugar alcohols.  They spike my insulin.  It bums we out, but what can you do?  As far as the Atkins bars I like to chop them into teeny tiny pieces and put them in the freezer for when I am craving something sweet.  I can have a fraction of one and feel good.

photo 3(1)I LOVE Beef Jerky.  The problem with it is that it can be high in carbs and I have no portion control when it comes to eating it.  I found these at the grocery store today.  2 carbs per bag, five per box.  Works for me!

photo 5 photo 4Put these in your pocket and go!  I was super excited to see these because they will be perfect on the nights we have class and we are starving by the time we get out.  Bust these out on the ride home and it will keep us satisfied til we get home.

I also got off my ass and made some low carb buns and made some thin crust pizzas on low carb tortillas.

Oh and did I fail to mention that I have already lost four pounds?

Day One Back On Low Carb

So we are back on the low carb bandwagon. I have proven myself to have no willpower when it comes to portion control and since the scale keeps creeping up and up it’s time to do something.
I’ve also decided to go ahead and treat this like I did when I first started low carb all those years ago, you know, when it actually worked. So I will be documenting my progress and how I feel during the process, including the dreaded sugar and carb withdrawals.
While we cooked our food in advance last night, today is our official 1st day. I weighed in at 247(!!!!!) this morning.
So far it’s not that bad but the shakes and the sweats don’t usually hit me until the 2nd or 3rd day.
One of my coworkers made cupcakes but I’ve managed to successfully avoid them thus far. First day willpower is always higher than a few days in right? Heh.
Started getting the stomach yuckies around three thirty.  The only description I can give to the stomach yuckies is that it feels like you are hungry but you don’t want to eat anything.  This may well be because I didn’t bring enough food and I was actually starving because I ate a small snack and felt a little better after.  Around four thirty I started to get a headache that was very faint and would come and go.  It’s now 7:20 in the evening and the headache is in full swing.  Also a bit sweaty even though it’s pretty chilly in my house right now.  The “Carb Flu” is definitely setting in.  I just have to remember that this only lasts a week tops and then it’s smooth sailing.

Here is a recap of my menu today:

Breakfast:  Sliced sausage covered in cheddar cheese and two hard boiled eggs.    2 net carbs

Lunch: 1 Serving of Hamburger Broccoli Alfredo(recipe to follow soon)  3 net carbs

Snack: 1 serving of  Dry Roasted Edamame      2 net carbs

Dinner: 3 Chicken Patties(recipe to follow soon) with a TBS of sour cream  and a cup of canned green beans with butter    10 net carbs

Snack:  Cheddar Cheese Stick and 1 oz of pecans   2.2 net carbs

Daily Total:  19.2 net carbs.

Silence is not so golden

As you know when weight loss blogs become silent it is usually not a good thing.

I lost fifteen pounds on the purification program back in January and promptly lost all motivation and gained it all back plus a couple more.

I don’t know what is wrong with me but I have lost all my drive and focus.  Exercise has become unimportant and I’m feeling depressed and tired all the time.  None of my clothes fit and I refuse to buy bigger sizes since I gave all my fat clothes away…that means that my muffin top just keeps growing and there is only so much camouflaging I can do…

More than the looks department, there is the depression that has taken hold and I KNOW what will make it better.  I know that exercise and eating right always clears my head and makes me feel happy and focused.  So why am I denying myself what I know will make me feel better?  Why do I choose to be depressed?  Because essentially that is exactly what I am doing.  Is it easier for me to just sit on my butt and feel sorry for myself than to spend an extra 30 minutes doing something active that will change my outlook for the entire day?  Apparently, I seem to think so.

I have had a lot of my plate recently.   Family issues sent me back to Maine for two weeks where all I did was stress out and eat and I haven’t been able to shake it.

Tomorrow is my birthday and I will be turning 37.   That is three years away from 40.  I am no where near where I wanted to be at this stage in my life.  So I am taking it back.

Along with a lot of girls in my office I will be going back on the purification for 21 days.  After that I am going back to what has always worked for me.  Counting calories and exercise.

When I was back in Maine I found two beat up pieces of notebook paper that I used to use to keep track of my weight loss.  The dates ranged from mid April of 1994 to January of 2005 and chronicled weights from 203 to 174.  Week by week it showed the downsizing, including the sizes of the jeans that I got into at certain weights.  All I was doing at that point was keeping myself at 1200 calories and working out daily.  It didn’t come off super fast(about 1.5 a week) but it did come off steady and I remember how happy I was back then.

Tomorrow I’m going to take some before pictures and get back on this thing.  While the weight coming off will make me look better, it is more about making me FEEL better this time around.

Purification Progress

I’m on week two of the purification and dreaming of all the foods I’m going to eat when I go off this thing. :-)

I know that is counter productive but I can’t help it.

The first week I didn’t really have many cravings but this week they are starting to kick in. Isn’t it supposed to go AWAY the longer you are on it? I seem to be doing the opposite. Figures.

I do feel better. My mood is really improved and my skin seems to be looking more clear. I’ll tell you that I’ve never been more regular in my entire life! Heh.

I’m trying to avoid getting on the scale every morning because there isn’t anything I can really do to alter my diet anyway so I just need to let it be a surprise at the end of the 21 days. Easier said than done for a scale-a-holic like me.

I’ve been walking every day since Sunday. I did two miles with Pappy on Sunday and I have been doing the loop(1.7 miles) at work every lunch break. It’s really been helping keeping my energy level up without caffeine.

On that note I have to say I love water. It is usually my beverage of choice but when it is THE ONLY THING you can drink it starts to get pretty old. I miss my carbonation. A LOT!

Tomorrow I get to have chicken and or fish. I can’t tell you how excited that makes me. I remember looking at my calendar when I first started this and thinking how far away 11 days seemed and now it will be here tomorrow so that is something.

Rehearsals and work have proven to be some great distractions. The weekends are pretty tough. I have to keep myself distracted to keep myself from wandering into the kitchen and grabbing some bad snack food. It’ll be worth it though.

Now if only I can stop dreaming of pizza, Chinese food, grilled cheese sandwiches and French fries I’ll be okay. :)