Day Four of the Purification and a sad revelation

So it’s interesting to me, that my “meals” have become more of a variety of snacks than full on meals.  For example- this morning for breakfast I had a small bowl of pureed squash, pepper strips dipped in homemade “zucchini hummus” and followed with one of my shakes as desert.  Lunch was a small bowl of homemade veggie soup, followed by carrot sticks dipped in the same hummus and a half of an avocado.  I never feel stuffed, but I always feel satisfied.  And to be quite honest, I was getting sick of the overly full feeling I was getting from every meal lately.  The disgust that I felt that I had eaten that much, followed by the carb crash about an hour later and the desperate sodium thirst that happened after.  It had been a pretty never ending cycle for me for quite some time recently.

Having said that, I can’t deny that I see all the snacks and food we have at home and I just want to dive in.  While I feel “satisfied” most of the time, it would be so much easier to grab a bag of chips rather than cut up veggies.  To make a quick sandwich for lunch tomorrow would be very simple compared to prepping all the things needed to go in a salad, or gathering all my “snacks” together to make a meal.  Convenience has ruled my life and my diet for a very long time.  Even when I lost all my weight initially, it was because the low carb craze had hit and hit big.  There were little low carb pop up shops where you could get everything under the sun!  Low carb cereal and pizza.  Even Cheetos and Doritos came out with low(er) carb options at the time.  It was a full on mania and I loved it.

Having to prepare meals every single night just gets old.  I know that sounds really stupid, because…well, that is what adults do right?  You come home and make dinner for your family.  I guess I’ve gotten complacent and quite frankly, lazy.   Wow.  See, this is why I blog.  That was a realization for me right there.

Okay, it’s no secret that I’m lazy, that’s not what I meant.  However, I just realized how much I have been doing myself a disservice by thinking that cooking takes up too much of my free time.  By wanting the convenience of fast meals for myself and my husband all week, simply so I could watch more TV and play on the internet, I have really been cheating myself out of a healthier body and mind.  Not to mention the exercising I could be doing to make my mental health better again.   I do realize that isn’t rocket science, and I suppose somewhere in the back of my mind I have known this all along.  But for me to put it on virtual pen to paper, it hit home really hard right now.

All this week I have been going to bed early – mostly to read and fall asleep.  This is because I’m afraid I will want to cheat on my diet if I stay up in close proximity to the kitchen until I “get tired”.  I haven’t watched TV at all this week and I haven’t missed it.

I had forgotten how much I love reading until my eyes are too tired to stay open and then closing them.  Maybe not falling asleep right away, because I am replaying what just happened in the book in delicious detail in my mind, but loving every second of doing so.  That used to be a habit from my childhood.  Back when we couldn’t afford cable or phone and there was no internet.  I loved that.

Wow.  I think I need to go let that sink in for a minute.